Halfway

It's been a bit crazy so I apologize for my lack of posts over the past 2 weeks (not like me).  After my stint in L and D, things have improved. The Indocin medication seems to calm down the fibroid and my cervix has continued to lengthen. Who knew that could happen!

I have had weekly cervical checks since "the incident" and it has gone from 2.5 to 2.7,3.0, 5.0 and back to 3.3 at my most recent check. I am back on progesterone suppositiories nightly, which studies have shown increases cervical length. I have no problem with it and if it keeps me off bed rest...all the better.

At 19 weeks 4 days, I had my anatomy scan (was supposed to be this week but tech did it early). No complaints here. Baby Olive was looking great although not in the best position everything looked good. They had some trouble with getting good views of the chambers of her heart. Apparently, IVF babies get heart echoes at my clinic (wonder if this is standard?). So, we are scheduled for that on January 15th which will give us much better feedback on the chambers of the heart.

December 23rd, we hit the halfway mark. 20 weeks. What an amazing overwhelming feeling. I decided to tell the universe I was having a baby. It was time. One Facebook post and a picture of a footprint did just that. The love and support from everyone was just amazing. Although I am sure some had WTF responses internally. Lots of offers to babysit. Better believe I know those people and they will be on the "I need a shower" babysitter list.

Baby Oive must've been aware of the positive vibes and started to show herself. One evening just laying in bed, I felt the "flip" and then again. I immediately called my best friend T. I feel her, I feel her, I shouted. The feeling was overwelmimg and amazing. She did it several times during the call. I will mostly feel her when laying on my back. It's not all the time but it now happens at least once a day.

I am in love.

Sleeping has become more challenging. More due to the soreness of my hips and the most recent symptom of reflux/heartburn. Wonder if that means she has hair??  I ordered a pregnancy pillow but haven't figured out the best position on it yet. Small bumps in this fabulous journey to meet my rainbow baby.

Started making my list of things to do before baby olive arrives. It's a bit scary to plan this far ahead but I guess that's what I have to do. I am still trying to focus on each day. Each week. Each milestone. Savoring each flip, poke and movement. She is talking to me and telling me how happy she is in there.

I will meet you soon my rainbow baby. 19 weeks and counting.

18 weeks and L and D

Sunday I turned 18 weeks and took my weekly photo of my growing belly (will have to post eventually)
I was busy this weekend but not anything too strenuous. Hanukkah at my parents and celebrating my 99 year old grandmothers Bday. Sunday I just didn't feel right. I was having a lot of  abdominal pressure/aches and was generally uncomfortable. No bleeding just wasn't right. I emailed my OB as usual but didn't hear from him.
By Monday morning   I was concerned as the pain was worse and kept me up most of the night.  My OB had responded @ 5 am to let him know if it got worse.  I delayed going into work but responded to OB and said I wanted to be seen. I didn't feel comfortable waiting till Thursday. He was off but got me seen by another OB.

1pm: seen at the center for advanced fetal medicine. Baby was fine with strong HB of 150. And cervix looked closed but had shortened in length to 25 mm (think it was 26 2 weeks ago) . To be cautious she sent s to L and D
3 pm I arrived at L and registration. This took 5 mins but I had to wait an hour to be moved to triage. The woman waiting to be taken back when I arrived had delivered and I was still sitting there waiting.

4 pm I am taken back to triage by "M" the most unenthusiastic nurse ever. Flat!! I was left for about 20 mins in a gown. No update. Keep in mind I hadn't eaten since 11 or had water. Over the next 3 hours the nurse and midwife wools come in and out. No major updates or plans. I was put on a monitor to check for contractions. This would've been ok if I would've been given an alert button AND water. Finally after ask the nurse twice for water she brought me some. I asked about food. I will look. Ummm....never got anything.

I did finally get informed that I wasn't having contractions. After an internal exam and some Gyn testing I was discharged and told to follow up with my OB. Nurse midwife who was actually pleasant said it could be just uterine growth.

730 pm discharged and finally got to stop listening to the poor woman vomitting for the past three hours in the adjacent room.
By the time I got home, my OB had emailed me to check on me, looked at all my results and felt that my issue could be from my fibroid. It has doubled in size from the time I got pregnant. He put me back on progesteone and prescribed an NSAID that helps with fibroid pain. Told me to take 800 mg of Motrin for tonight. After some food and more water, I was off to bed. Besides peeing three times, I slept we'll and the discomfort was lessened. My OB has continued to check in on me daily via email and is hoping this will do the trick.

It was definitely a scary experience being at Mercy alone (and my cell phone died half way through). It made me thankful for an OB that doesn't belittle my concerns as well as picking the doula that I did. E actually appeared with a patient as I was in registration and saw me waiting. Asked if I was ok and sent me an email later that night to see how things were going. Yup. Right choice.

So, it was an eventful 18th week. Hoping things calm down and he hopes to keep me on meds for a week. Back to follow up on Thursday for cervical check and HB check. And genetic counselor appt that I had forgotten about.

At first I felt silly but I am SO glad I listened to my motherly instincts and just went to be checked.

Lets hope 19 is less stressful.

Love you Olive!!

17 weeks

It's been a long work week so my posts keep getting delayed. Definitely feeling bigger by the end of the day! To the point where I am just uncomfortable by dinner and bedtime. Last night, I was SO full, I couldn't even get comfy in bed. I woke up several times to pee. Oh. It's just getting started.

By morning, I feel a bit more normal. I had acupuncture again this week and slept like a rock that night. It's always very calming. I have been singing to "Olive" every night and last night started reading to her. Thanks to a gift from a friend. Waiting for "THE KICK" Come on Baby....let me know you are okay in there!!

Things have been crazy at work and it will be nice to be off of work in a few weeks. Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah and can't wait to celebrate my nephew.

Off to get done everything I don't have time to do during the week!! Groceries, Target and cleaning. Should be a real challenge once Olive is here! Still looking for a rental house and waiting for condo refinancing to go through. Watching my budget closely and make sure that spending is limited. Always fun to do at the holidays.

18 weeks tomorrow (told ya I was delayed) and quick ultrasound check on Thursday. Heartbeat and cervical check. Always creates some anxiety but glad I don't have to wait to the 20 week u/s.

Stay warm.

T and "olive"

16 weeks

I am a bit late in posting (as tomorrow is 17 weeks) but wanted to make sure I was keeping things up to date.  Officially 4 months!!

Last week I turned 16 weeks while my bestest friend was in town from Arizona. We shopped until we literally dropped and ate! What we normally do except this visit didn't include any adult beverages :) We decided to mark my belly with the number of weeks so I can track each photo. Will try to post that photo soon. Should be fun when I have to try to and write the numbers backwards!!

I also had my OB appt for 16 weeks and cervical check. My sweet "Olive" was all snuggled up in a ball most of the time but her heartbeat was strong at 155 bpm. The photo the tech printed for me had her whole arm/hand covering most of her face. It was either her way of show "black power" or "p,ease turn out the lights" LOL. My cervical check also looked great and was closed and not showing any signs of funneling.

A quick consult with my OB (and of course a medical student joined the conversation) said everything looked good so far. We discussed my biggest issue of constipation and ways to resolve. Not many choices outside of doing what I was doing. UGH. Also received referral for AFP blood work. This will not only detect neural tube defects but can be a good tool to look for preterm labor. Who knew!! He asked in true Rob style, when I wanted to come back in. I told him I have learned that 2 weeks is probably better for me. I will have a cervical check in 2 weeks and then my full anatomy scan the end of December when I am 20 weeks. We also discussed my two options for a doula. I was stuck. I loved them both and Rob had worked with both of them. I just need to decide who I will feel most comfortable with when the time comes.

Rob also started talking about making sure I had support after my sweet baby was born. Whoa. That's far away and I listened but had trouble going there in my mind. Have that chat with me again in 3 or 4 months.

More soon.....

Thankful

I posted this on a SMC forum but felt it should be part of my blog posts. A lot to be thankful for this year. 

I am thankful for this beautiful life that is finally growing inside me and I can't wait to meet my rainbow baby. 

I am thankful for all the medical staff I have met over the past 2 years. From my nurse @ my first RE office, to my nurse in Colorado that made the process so smooth and less scary to my current OB who answers my crazy emails at all hours of the day (already sent him a thankful email today)

I am thankful for my family and close friends who have embraced my choice of single mother hood without a blink of an eye. And have been with me on my long journey to be a mom. 

I am SO thankful for my KD who helped me create this beautiful life and gave something so selfless to another friend. 

I am thankful for my SMC family who over the past 2 years supported me during my highs and my very deep lows. Kept me going and encouraged me never to give up. 

And I must not forget to be thankful for lemonade that has gotten me through some queasy days (needed a humor one to stop all my tears!)

15 weeks

I spent the day of turning 15 weeks with my family in Philly. My cousin was running his 2nd marathon and a bunch of family was meeting in Philly to cheer him on. It's usually a quick drive up and back but I had to stop to pee on the way up. Something that almost ever has happened in the past. Welcome to a new bladder.

Last week, I was able to share my news with my management team. They were very excited about the news and even cheered when it was shared. A few have known that I had been trying but most did not. I received some congratulatory hugs after the meeting. It felt great to be able to just "hang out" and show my bump. I was so tired of hiding it. Of course, after putting out to the universe at work and the news of a staffs miscarriage, I had a slight panic. This resulted in a quick trip up to Mercy. 

My OB as always was empathetic to my anxiety and showed me a quick peek of the heartbeat. I told him I usually make it every 2 weeks. He grinned a huge smile and gave me a hug and sent me on my way. Exhale. 160 bpm. 

Back to my Philly trip, it was wonderful to spend time with my family. Aunts/uncles, cousins and new cousins girlfriends. After dinner Saturday evening, we headed back to west Philly were I stayed with my youngest cousin (we are pretty close). Up early to head back to center city to see my cousin at mile 6. We had a great time cheering on the other runners while waiting for him. It was pretty chilly and my morning queasiness hit me but I was able to grab a lemonade. We went back to my aunts to warm up and grab some food. We headed back towards the Art Museum and the finish line to cheer him the last few feet. It truly brought tears to my eyes to see him finish something he had trained for over the past year. We were all hooting and hollering with our signs!! 

I can see others are getting so excited for me as I run my "marathon" of pregnancy. It's been a long marathon that has stopped and started over the past 2 years. I feel like I am 1/3 of the way there. Looking forward to reaching the half way mark in a few weeks. It's a constant battle that I just need to pace myself and keep my eyes on the finish line. Marathons are about finishing but also enjoying the 26 miles along the way. I am working on that part. 

More to come at mile marker 4!!

14 weeks!!

Three and a half months!! Seems short considering all the waiting I have been doing. I prefer saying 14 weeks. Seems longer.

Slowly starting to tell more and more people. I told my admin assistant last week as she was starting to schedule meetings into May. She is super sweet and doesn't share anything with other staff. Trust her completely. I will tell my management team on Wednesday. It's been getting harder to hide the bump which could be mistaken for too many French fries (in my opinion). The scary part about telling others is just the reality of it all. Not that I am actually having a baby but putting my HOPE out there that I actually DO have a baby.

I have been pretty private about this process except for those that read my blog (which is a select group of close friends and my SMC family). I will continue to keep the blog private. Telling more people just makes me more nervous. Not sure I can explain it. I do continue to share the news but the anxiety is still there.

I finally found some maternity clothes as Kohls and Old Navy. Not many but some staple pieces. Going to check out a super Target on the recommendation of a friend. Target itself had a pretty limited maternity section. On-line is an option but I prefer to try on the clothes. The jeans and top I wore last night made it pretty obvious that I was indeed pregnant. I went to listen to my friend Nelson of Nellys Echo (he tried out in the Voice this season). He was back for at a local venue and I had to go congratulate him. It was great to be "out" with bump leading the way. Hope baby enjoyed the music!!

I also start back with acupuncture tomorrow and looking forward to the calmness. The anxiety has been there especially waiting for the next u/s (17 days but who is counting). I have also been interviewing doulas and attempting to determine if I will need one. My OB is a bit concerned about my ability to actually have a vaginal delivery. Apparently,it's not all about birthing hips and more about your internal pelvic structure. Who knew!!?  Too early to really tell but a looking into doulas for now.

I guess I had a lot to share. Trying to go back to my one day at a time. This is a mantra I was sharing wi another SMC today as she goes through her FET. I need to remember this for myself as well.

I shared my news with a coworker who was leaving our agency. She bought me a picture frame for my u/s photo and here is the quote on the side of the frame:

" it is truly amazing how something so small could ignite a love so grand"

2nd Trimester!

Just a quick update to let everyone know that I have hit a huge milestone.....2nd Trimester!!! A first for me and my sweet bean!

Things are looking good despite some groin pain and back pain things are looking good.

More to come!

Busy Day

Halloween was a busy day for me and my pumpkin!!

I quickly wanted to update everyone that my 12 week ultrasound went extremely well and baby was looking pretty good. Moving and sucking her thumb and doing lots of flips. The nucheal test  along with blood work to evaluate for downs, trisomy 13 and 18, showed a very low risk for any of them. This also in conjunction with the embryo being chromosomally tested by Colorado, my OB didn't believe i needed an amino. Whew.

It was an amazing day seeing my sweet baby move and flip. Officially, I was discharged from CCRM (which was bittersweet!) but a milestone nonetheless.

I also was able to find out the sex of the baby. I have been referring to the baby as a "her" all along. Still waiting to tell a few friends what the gender is so I won't be posting it on here just yet.

I am adding a picture of my sweet pumpkin for your viewing pleasure!! Back for anatomy scans and cervical check in 4 weeks. i should be able to make it that long without freaking out? HA! Thats yet to be determined too....

12 weeks and frankenstorm!!

Two BIG major events this weekend. The national event of this pending hurricane sandy is what most people are focused on this weekend. As I have definitely been preparing for the storm with non perishable items, batteries and charging my cell phone, my mind has been focused elsewhere.

BB is 12 weeks today. Another milestone. Of course, for me 12 weeks will only be confirmed after I have my ultrasound on Wednesday. Hoping the storm doesn't impact this too much. All I have had to do is get myself to Wednesday. Belly is definitely popping more and I even tried on maternity pants yesterday. SO comfy!! They were too long so I didn't buy any but my goodness.

I am sleeping but I toss and turn a lot and wonder if that has anything to do with my progesterone or thyroid? Need to ask OB this next week.  I am still having crazy vivid dreams and of course peeing at least two times a night!

I guess literally and figuratively I need to ride out the next few days of the storm before the sun peeps out and shows me my BB again. Very nervous and on the verge of excitement.

I am also thinking of my SMC friend, B who had her FET this past week. Sending her good vibes, hope and faith.

That's all I have for the moment. Will keep you posted on both BB and the pending storm.

One week and COUNTING

One week left  of CCRM blood work.

One week left until my 12 week ultrasound.

One week left until  I possibly graduate from CCRM (that's bittersweet)

One week left until i find out the gender.

My weekly blood work came back as usual up in one and down in the other. Progesterone was up to 34 and estrogen dropped to 1097. These levels fluctuate and estrogen should continue to rise. I was happy to see my progesterone rise after dropping my script to once daily. Today, I was removed from patches and pills!! I am still on oral estrogen until Sunday. Crazy to think my body will know have to kick in and do all the work. Still wondering how my pumpkin is doing in there.

I tried to find out the gender a few days early. I spoke with the genetic counselor, Diane who said once I am transferred to my OBs care they can share. I told I would call back next Wednesday and she agreed.

7 days!  168 hours! 10,080 Minutes! and 604,800 seconds !

But who's counting????

11 weeks

BB and I survived another week together!! I took my OB up on his "come over if you feel anxious and we will take a quick peek" We did. There "she" was again with a strong heartbeat of 174. I had vivid dreams again this week and actually dreamt that I was going back to CCRM to introduce them to my daughter. She was giggling on the floor and I could clearly see her beautifully frenchbraided black hair, cocoa skin and high cheek bones. Wish I could sketch so I could put my visual on paper.

CCRM has dropped me to one patch. One. I don't know what to do with all that space on my abdomen!! Still on one progesterone at night but my levels are holding steady. I suspect I will go off all patches by Wednesday and just on oral estrogen.

As one of my single mother friends stated, "there is a difference between being pregnant and feeling pregnant. Oh so true for this momma!! I love it when people tell me over and over again how lucky I am that I am having an easy first trimester. Drives me insane. I definitely started to pop this week and my "fat jeans" fit quite comfortably!! I had a work event last night that was cocktail attire. I attempted to wear a dress that I wore last November (black and low cut). Not, it was so tight, the boobs were everywhere and the belly was just popping out (even with spanx). Switched that quickly and I was way more comfortable and even danced to the amazing sounds of Jennifer Hudson live singing Whitney!! At the table, under my wrap (because most coworkers don't know) I kept holding BB and hoping she was enjoying the music.

I spent several hours catching up with my female cousin. Arbs (who has been SO supportive of my process) and is so excited about my "little zz pop" that she officially nicknamed my belly. We talked about the excitement of telling my grandmother and other family members. I must say I am SO lucky that all my family has been super supportive of my SMC decision. We talked about names of BB (none that I am ready to share online) and she felt many had Z sounds. Hence zz pop!!

Ready for the week to go fast! Ready to get week 12 going to I can have my NT 12 week scan on Halloween!

My thoughts are with another SMC getting ready to meet her Embies via FET this week at CCRM. Sending her good vibes and lighting a candle for her that she is as lucky as I am! Our SMC group really does became another family and everyone supports and cheers each other on from the sidelines. These women (including myself) have made an amazing decision to have a baby on their own. It shouldn't be this hard. But I guess life is hard.

Looking forward to seeing BB again in 10 days. Love you my sweet BB girl.

Double Digits

Remember when you hit double digits as a kid?? It's like you did something miraculous without much effort.

BB turns 10 weeks today and I am proud of "her". Using that pronoun for lack of having to use both and I kinda feel like it is a girl (my son will hate me if I am wrong and he reads his birth story). Mostly things have been going well. Minimal symptoms which only include heavy breasts, excessive saliva, intermittent queasiness if I wait too long to eat and vivid dreams. The dreams are to the point that I don't sleep very well. Combined with the need to pee several times a night, sleeping isn't so restful. Although I don't have that "exhastion feeling"

Of my four other pregnancies (sounds overwhelming to actually type that), only one actually made it to 10 weeks when I miscarried at home. However, that pregnancy stopped growing at 6 weeks and never measured more than 6.5 weeks. The heartbeat was so faint that we could never hear it but my RE wouldn't do a D and C as long as a heartbeat was present. This is why it took 4 weeks to actually miscarry on my own. The most traumatic of all my pregnancies and I will not forget that day for many years.

So, hitting the 10 week mark is a milestone in itself. I told myself I would make it to 10 weeks without buggin my OB for an u/s. Guess who is getting an email Monday morning for a quick heartbeat check?? Next scheduled appointment isn't until October 31st. Way too far away!

CCRM is still weaning me off my meds. Dropped to only progesterone at night and 2 estrogen patches every other day. My progesterone actually increased to 31 this week after they dropped my progesteone from 3 pills to 2 pills. Shows my placenta is kicking in. Estrogen actually dropped so hopefully that's just a minor dip and will go back up this week.

BB is now the size of a prune (not such a great visual) and most of her organs are fully formed. Fingers and toes are formed and are no longer webbed. My uterus has grown to the size of a grapefruit which is why my pants don't fit!! BB will double in size in the next few weeks.

The anxiety of moving to the end of the first trimester is still there. It's hard to get rid of it totally. Another SMC friend asked me yesterday if I allowed myself to get excited. Excited about being pregnant? Yes. The idea of possibly having a baby? Not yet. Can't go there. Still too far away (30 weeks to be exact).

Will keep you posted on the u/s request from neurotic anxious pregnant lady!!

Officially a fetus!

As I was reading more about 9 weeks signs and symptoms (because I still feel pretty damn good), I realized that my little BB is no longer an embryo but a fetus. Congratulations on your graduation!

BB is also the size of a green olive (love how they differentiate that from a Kalamata!)  and has hair and is apparently kicking around. I certainly wouldn't believe it.

It also hit me that although I am still in the first trimester, I am 3 months pregnant.....another milestone for this lady. The biggest milestone will be 11 weeks which I have never made it to in any of my 4 pregnancies.

More bloodwork tomorrow to check out my hormone levels. Will be so interested to see if they have dropped or increased.

As I went to pick up a script at my local pharmacy, my pharmacist says, "Are you okay? You look so tired?" LOL!! She has seen me looking much worse but I whispered I was 9 weeks pregnant. She raises her arms to the sky and in her Nigerian accent thanks Jesus. She was very excited for me. A true blessing she told me.

Vivid dreams and a complete disgust of my favorite Greek yogurt are my major symptoms this week.

Thinking I am only making it to 10 weeks before I request another u/s to hear that heartbeat again. Thank goodness I have such an understanding OB!!

About a week to go till I get that anxious something is wrong feeling (well, more than normal).

Grow little Olive. Grow.

Nine

Well here we are at nine weeks. Seems like time is creeping along. I had a great staycation last week. Lots of tv watching, hanging with my grandma and a few doc visits for regularly scheduled appointments. Going back to work and focusing will be a true challenge. I completely get why people enjoy sabbaticals.

Trying to stay in the one day at a time mode. Enjoy each day as it comes but it's hard not to see the end of the first trimester only 4 weeks away. Oh how sweet that finish line would be. At least temporarily until I identify a new finish line.

No major symptoms have reared their ugly heads as yet. Still some indigestion but not bad at all (I spent half of college with indigestion so am used to it). Am very interested to see my blood work this week since CCRM has started to wean me off my hormone supplements. Hoping my body still knows what to do and little BB is still growing strong. The lack of "feeling" something is the ultimate mind tease.

As I sat with my almost 99 year old grandmother yesterday, I yearned to be able to tell her the wonderful news. She has 4 great grandchildren that she adores. Her living room is full of pictures of Will, Ez, Leo and Lucy. She talks about those photos every time I see her. She loves to get new ones and each one is her favorite. One of my favorite photos of my grandmother is her holding my nephew at about 3 months old. I would love to have that experience and to see that love in her eyes of my child. I tell myself it will happen. Waiting four more weeks to share the news. Hoping to add my 12 week ultrasound picture to her living room photo collection.

Today will be filled with Baltimore football and baseball. An amazing distraction to what is going on inside my body. Let's go Orioles!! Let's go Ravens!!

180 beats per minute

Yesterday, I had my 8 week ultrasound and first OB visit. BB was still in there with a strong heartbeat at 180 bpm. No picture but I could see the flicker and hear that sweet sound that is stuck in my brain. Measuring 8w6d and I was 8w3d yesterday so growing like a champ!!

My estrogen levels also jumped from last week. Over 1100 from 636 just a week before. My meds weren't changed so this allows us to assume the placenta has started to take over. Progesterone also jumped from 16 to 26. Again, probably because of placenta doing its thing. CCRM decided to start the weaning process, so I bumped my estrogen patches to 3 every other day and progesterone pills only twice a day. Definitely makes me nervous to think, I am starting to rely on my body to support my pregnancy.

Also, had my first OB appointment with Dr. A. Just love him and know I am in good hands when he takes over my care. He was training with two medical students so they joined the conversation (with my approval) Dr. A was so complimentary of the process that I have been through and becoming a single mom. I knew it but it certainly was nice to hear ones OB was supportive of your choices. Had a full history assessment with him and discussed some high risk red flags. Just being 41, puts me at high risk for preterm labor. Can't really change that now can I?? My uterine septum and it's removal puts me at high risk for incompetent cervix, which I knew. IVF also apparently puts me at high risk for PTL. Lots of monitoring will occur including cervical checks starting at 16 weeks and many more ultrasounds. Fine with me. Luckily, I can walk to the center for advanced fetal medicine from work.

He talked about communication and asked if I liked being able to email him questions. Uh, Hell yes!! He agreed he felt it was a good way to communicate with his patients. Since he is the head of OB/GYN and the center, he doesn't have that many personal patients. I am honored to be one of them. Lots of education from how to wear my seat belt to constipation!! Then onto the physical which was also completed in the presence of the 3rd year medical student. Guess I can say I helped shape a future doc. Had everything down twice from ear/eye check to breast and pelvic exam. Fun times. Did learn I have a small pelvic bone which means I might have trouble pushing that big headed BB out. Will deal with that when necessary.

All good and now I just need to go and get blood work to check a bunch if things including thyroid
and for toxioplamosis (which I have been tested for but over 2 years ago)

It was a good, informative day. Spent the rest of the day with my nephew celebrating "Forever Family Day". The day he joined our family at the age of 2 weeks. His 4 year old humor and funny faces just put icing on an already fabulous day.

More blood work in a week and NT scan end of October. Although Dr. A said if I want a quick scan check in a few weeks, just email him. Ahhhh.

8 weeks and chips

Today is officially 8 weeks. My little BB is the size of a raspberry and apparently has ear buds and arms/legs and webbed fingers and toes. Crazy to think that this is growing inside if me.

I must admit I have been feeling pretty good overall (which still scares me). I do have indigestion often and the excessive saliva shows up off and on.  Really can't complain as I haven't had any exhaustion. I don't really have an appetite for anything but have been eating lots of carbs. Chips. Lots of chips. It really helps the saliva and indigestion if only temporarily.

Three more days until I get to hear BB's heartbeat again. I have had major anxiety that it won't be there this time.. I know it's an irrational fear but I have to acknowledge the fear regardless. Work has been a distraction but I must admit I am glad I have the whole week off.  I had a large amount of PTO that I would lose so it just so happens that I scheduled this week. Will try to stay busy with errands, lunch with my 98 year old grandma and Bday breakfast with a good friend.

If I am lucky enough to hear the miracle heartbeat again, I will have 5 more weeks till the end of the first trimester. Basically, getting through October. Each day is a step longer than before. So for today, it's 8 weeks with my BB.

Beat little BB. Beat.

Saliva

Perhaps I spoke to soon on the non-existent symptoms that started pretty much exactly at 7 weeks!!

Saliva and lots of it. Gross. I guess its the underlying queasiness that's barely there that's causing it. It's very apparent in the mornings right after I eat breakfast. This minor feeling of queasiness/nausea but not enough to feel like I might be sick. With that feeling, I have an abundance of saliva. So far, its been handled by drinking lemonade type drinks, eating (which helps for the moment) and chewing gum.

Can't say that I am not excited about the symptoms. No complaining from this pregnant momma. When I emailed my OB to inform him of the latest and greatest here is his response: "Excellent!!" I guess nausea symptoms, even if slight are a good sign.

Something else that's new for this pregnancy.

Seven

One more week down. It doesn't seem so big to others but seven weeks is a milestone for me. Different than the other pregnancies. The last two pregnancies I was preparing for a D/C at this time.

Still blow my mind that my baby is growing inside me, I guess because it's so small that I really can't feel anything, Still feeling good. Maybe some mild bloating and queasiness if I don't eat. Again, nothing that is "OMG, I am so sick I am pregnant"

Last night I watched the cheesy movie, What to expect when your expecting, with J. Lo and Cameron Diaz. One of the characters was pregnant with twins and felt fabulous the whole pregnancy and delivered them both with a sneeze!! Made me laugh. I doubt that the fabulous feeling will continue much longer.

I also wonder because I have been taking extra B6 for months if it's keeping nausea at bay?? Guess we will find out soon enough.

Now I need to figure out how to just go about my day and not constantly be wondering what's going on IN there.

Week by week. Day by Day.

Next stop 8 weeks.

Loud and Clear!

It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. About 112 bpm. That little flicker that i have waited two years to see. It was there. My cousin, N was with me as my witness. You could see the flicker of the heart. Back and Forth. I thought for sure I was going to start crying but I just kept watching.

The tech measured. 6 weeks 5 days exactly from crown to rump.

My rainbow baby is in there. The tech asked if I knew my due date when I first laid down. No, I was waiting to hear the heart beat I told her. The first u/s was an abdominal one and she found it right away. Well here it is.

After she finished the transvaginal one so she could measure the things more accurately, she figured i was due on May 12th. May 12th, is that mother's day? A quick google search and it sure was Mother's Day.

A few logistics and I was sent along my way with a huge congratulations and 2 follow up appointments. The next one is October 3rd. October 3rd,ironically, is the day we call "Will Gotcha Day"--- they day we finally met my nephew only 2 weeks old.

She gave me the photo above to take with me (which is securely in my purse!). A quick call to my mom and I started to cry on the street. It was beautiful. A few text messages later and a call from my dad. More tears.

The dream is coming true. One step closer to holding my rainbow baby.

Today was a good day.

By the way, that cheerio looking thing is not his head but the yolk sac. BB is between the 2 arrows.

My Village does it again.

My village has definitely been wrapping their arms around me today.

After another frustrating discussion with the lab manager at the local hospital and lab results that were "faxed" but never received, I decided to call my local RE office back to see if they would reconsider and submit to my insurance. Since I am a considered a satellite patient, they had me paying out of pocket per blood test. Which resulted in about 220 bucks weekly and I just couldn't afford that for the next 7 weeks.

I spoke with the financial supervisor, MA, and she said let me ask Dr. P and see what he says. About 30 mins later she called me back and said he agreed to do it. "Its all in the way you ask" she responded. Elated, I knew I only had to get through this weeks lab results. Of course, they still hadn't be received by CCRM and the lab manager who I had been emailing directly said she faxed them this morning at 730 am.

Around 11, I received an email from my OB (another village member and perhaps the chief!) who pulled my lab results. 16.9 for progesterone (that sucker went up!) and 714 for E2 which also went up.

The sun is shining on me today and i think i might have found my zen. A call from Tonie at CCRM said everything looked great. Same protocol and we will wait to hear the positive news from my u/s tomorrow.

Told her I was so nervous as I have never really seen or heard a true heartbeat. The only time I was able to squeak out a heartbeat was my first pregnancy in this process. My same OB was able to detect a slight fetal heartbeat but they weren't sure if it was really just mine. Needless to say its never been a positive experience.

Tomorrow will be different. I have asked my cousin, N to accompany me tomorrow to my u/s. He agreed and I am glad he will be there. He has been very supportive of this process from the beginning. Being more in background but told me loves me unconditionally. He is the cousin who lent me his beach house after one of my miscarriages.

This time tomorrow I will have new information. New perspective. And a little more Hope.

(still not feeling pregnant)

Maybe tomorrow will change that......

Whew...

Just a quick update that my after a panicky last week progesterone report (for me not my docs), I requested a repeat order for Monday to ease my fears. CCRM is very respectful and complied. I went back to old RE office for a quick blood work turnaround and to get some support from my favorite nurse, A.

Progesterone popped back up to 13.5. Whew. So, happy to hear that higher number. I can tell when my number is high as my boobs feel heavier and my nipples are sore. Crazy how in tune I am with my body. Trying to conceive for over 2 years, with three pregnancies will do that to ya!!

Nurse A also said that although you can see a heartbeat after 6 weeks that 6weeks 3 days may be too early and not too freak out. She said by 6 weeks 5 its usually pretty certain you will see one. So as not to drive myself insane, I moved my u/s to Friday which will be 6w5d. Unfortunately, my OB doesn't work that day but I am sure he can access my report.


So, here we go to just get through the week. Grow little Cheerio. Beat little heartbeat.

SIX

Today my little BB is six weeks. Still isn't causing any havoc on my body just yet. Have been trying to remain calm about that since CCRM is not concerned.

Will have an early progesterone blood check on Monday at my old REs office which will be turned around very quickly. Will need to identify a lab that will turn around the levels next day since I can't continue to pay out of pocket. It's silly. Will figure that out this week, waiting to head back from PCP office.

Six weeks has a lot of meaning to me. Medically, it's the week when you should be able to see the developing embryo and the heartbeat. Historically, for me it's when things go south. I know my BB is  chromosomally healthy. I need to be patient to see his beating heart. My ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday is 6w3days.....may be a bit early but I know I have the best medical support and docs working with me.

One of my closests friends since childhood is also trying to have a baby. Her and her husband have been trying about 6 months longer than I have been. It's been a long process for both of us. Never thought we would be in this scenario at the same time in our lives. Yesterday, they got some positive news within their process. In sharing the feedback with me, she said if all goes as planned our kids will grow up together. I lost it. I started crying and thinking about this statement today made me start crying all over again.

It would be a wonderful to have my child grow up with my best friends kids. Another close friend is also attempting to have a baby. Although she has only been trying for a few months, I am excited about the possibility of our future kids being so close!

As elated as this makes me, it still brings up those feelings of nervousness. BP asked me today how far I had gone in my previous pregnancies. They all went to 7 weeks except one went to 10 weeks. I have never had a positive strong all things look great heartbeat. Most u/s end up with me being super sad and waiting one more week to confirm the worst.

BB will be different. It has to be different. I guess I will find out soon enough. Worry and anxiety won't change the outcome. Nothing will. I have done everything I can possible do to have a healthy baby.

And we wait.

9....

Progesterone dropped from 11 to 9. Which in my mind is a bad thing. I know this fluctuates but to me its a bad sign. To me its when my pregnancies went south (just like my levels)

Waiting for CCRM to call me back after a long fight with the damn lab that has no concept of what STAT means.

Headed to the pharmacy to pick up more prenatal vitamins. Although I really want to go home and shove about 10 prometriums up my hooha to get that level up.....

Will let you know what CCRM says.


UPDATE: CCRM finally called back. Seemed I was much more worried than they were with my lab levels....which the lab never faxed!!,

They recognized my concern with the drop in levels and said that they always fluctuate ( have heard that explanation before). They were content with 9. However, they agreed that if my level dropped to 7 they would switch me to injections. I told the I had to be proactive and not just "wait" until it drops. They didn't feel like I had to do anything different at this point. Also, agreed to send me for a repeat test on Monday instead of waiting until Wednesday.

Amy was very sympathic and listened to my concerns.(poor nurse!!)

I need to trust CCRM and recognize they know what they are doing. I just don't understand why a level of progesterone for IVF vs IUI/natural pregnancy would be different. It's not logical to me.

Blood work...and.....

I really do have the BEST OB!! Today was supposed to be Bloodwork check only but he offered an ultrasound to confirm embryo is in uterus. He knows me too well. Recognizing how scared I am...that hings aren't progressing or something is going to go wrong.

I am told this one is different because BB is healthy. It feels the same. Sore boobs that have decreased over time. Not tired. No nausea. Feels exactly the same. I must accept those feelings. Others must recognize the fear. It's real. It's always with me.

Off for bloodwork...I was first at the lab!!

UPDATE: saw my little Cheerio.....he/she is in my uterus! All looked good for being so early. Back next week for more measuring, HCG was over 5000 and estrogen 370 (needs to be above 300). Waiting (not so patiently on progesterone which had to be sent out). CCRM wasn't worried about the lack of symptoms. Hoping the progesteone call isn't as late as the one yesterday @ 5 pm!!

Anxious

Woke up this morning feeling anxious. Maybe it's because I rolled over and my boobs weren't as sore as yesterday. Maybe its the unknown of what is actually happening. Maybe its no other symptoms were really appearing and staying. Yesterday, I had some slight queasiness but by noon it was gone and it was very slight. Was it all just in my head.

The questions that constantly race through my mind.....what's my progesterone level? Did it drop below six? Is my beta increasing? Why do I feel so good when other newly pregnant women are tired and bloated?

I took today off not because of 9/11 but because I knew I would be tired after Monday Night Football game at Ravens Stadium. Days off are always hard for me. More time to think, lay in bed and just have questions race through my mind. I do have a hair appointment later today (where I am not going to let her color my hair this time.....) and a condo meeting plus a few errands.

Tomorrow is blood work in the morning. Maybe it's the anxiety if getting those numbers back. The wait. The infamous waiting.

Maybe I will go pee on a stick just to see the words again. I turned on soundscapes on my tv to help calm the environment and fill the anxiety space in my mind with calming music.

It is that feeling that goes from your heart deep inside that radiates throughout ones body. I hate it. I wish there was a button to turn it off. I haven't had this feeling in a while. The feeling that something bad is going to happen. This process of IVF/FET has been pretty smooth. No major bumps. Hey, I got pregnant which is HUGE.

I have been here before. Trying so hard to tell myself this time is different. BB is healthy. It's so hard. 5-6 weeks is always when I get the "bad news".  I want so much to be deeply wrong. Deep within my soul. BB is just the size of a poppy seed but I love her/him so much already. Will we ever meet??

Exhale.

5 weeks

Tick tock....tick tock.....that's how slowly time feels like its moving. I am not surprised and didn't expect it to be moving any faster. Weekends are always long (which normally I yearn for but not these days)

Not much to report. Still no major symptoms. Breasts are heavy but don't have that "omg please don't hug me" feeling anymore. Trying really hard to continually drink water which means lots of bathroom trips. I have gone through some serious TP recently. No nausea. No exhaustion. Went to the grocery store today and the smell of roasted chicken was a bit overwhelming. Was that an increased sense of smell or just my intense disgust of chicken???

Was happy to be able to share my final follistim vial with another SMC who doesn't have any insurance coverage and is doing an injectible cycle. Happy to share my covered mediation but definitely made me think. I was accepting the fact (or trying to) that I won't need any more stim meds in the future. Or maybe that was me trying to move forward. To trust things and take baby steps to get excited about his pregnancy.

Ordered more prenatal vitamins and bought stock in pantiliners thanks to progesterone 3 times a day. Even if one wanted to attempt to take a mental break from this process, progesteone suppositories makes certain that doesn't happen.

I am focusing on today. The start of foootball season. The day that hopefully the Orioles make it to first place in the AL. The break in summer humidity. Today.

Of course, that pending blood test on Wednesday is in the back of my mind. And even closer in my mind is the pending infamous first ultrasound. Makes my heart race when I start to think about it too much.

10 days. 10 one day at a time days.

Thank goodness for football!!

4 weeks 3 days

"Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about" --Winston Churchill

It's definitely been a long few days and it wouldn't be one of my pregnancies without the emotional roller coaster. I need to recognize that this might be my norm.

My levels are progressing as they should be. Beta went from 103 to 280 in 48 hours (should double!) progesterone fluctuates from 11 to 14 and apparently is normal. Estrogen over 400 as it should be. Last night I was freaked out by spotting (not red blood) and some cramping....to me, this means one thing....miscarriage. I was a mess. Slept very little until it was time to go get my 2nd beta.

As usually, my local nurse, Audrey was supportive and said it was common and not to be concerned. Even told me to call at 1030 and she would give me an update so I didn't have to wait for the CCRM call. Whew. That helped.

CCRM called and again said it was very common (see how I keep asking) ...said my numbers looked great and that the spotting was from the progesterone irritating the uterine lining. Said cramping was from lack of water and to stay hydrated. Got it. Then I got instructions for weekly blood work (no more betas unless nessasary), u/s at 6.5 and 8.5 and they will monitor me until 13 weeks. Ahh. I can't think that far. Reordered more patches and progesterone (and even this scared me....the thought of having all these meds and something going wrong....freaks me out)

I also got a comgratulations letter outlining all the info...and of course, reemphasizing spotting is normal (this woulda been helpful yesterday!)

The best part of the day (besides Baltimore Raven Ray Rice coming to our work) was my phone call from sweet dr. surrey. To congratulate me...."his favorite type of phone call" he said. Of course, I asked....did you expect me not to? Spotting is normal and just take it easy. Ultrasound in 2.5 weeks. I thanked him for being so wonderful and compassionate. I am sure I will tell him more...when .....

Someone asked me my due date and I don't want to know. Too far away. I don't want to know until I at least see the heartbeat. Lots of time....

....so, I take each day as it comes. Hoping that my rainbow baby is snuggled in for the long haul. Still not ready to tell the world or get too excited.

I love you already, BB.

Labor Day......

Not much more to say than ....OMG. My beta came back at 103. So, i am back tomorrow for another beta to confirm its rising appropriately.

Really?

I can't believe and obviously am VERY cautious. I am overwhelmed with emotions. More later.

Meeting BB

I must admit it was a pretty relaxing transfer day. I felt surprisingly calm especially after acupuncture and a Valium!!! My nurse left this tidbit out of the instructions. Yes ma'am!!

After bloodwork and the phlebotomist shared the Valium info with me I was ready to get upstairs for meds. I had about 25 mins of Pre-transfer acupuncture which was very calming. It apparently reduced cortisol, relaxed the uterus and increased blow flow. I had about 13 needles from my ears, forearms, legs, feet and even top of my head!

After the needles came out, TR came back to be with me during transfer. It took longer to wait for Dr Surrey then the actual transfer itself. I gladly took my Valium and according to TR was very looped. In came the ultrasound tech (one that I liked) and Dr Surrey. I have only seen him one other time at my consult but he really is such a calming person. The embryologist brought BB into the room in a big incubator. Said it warmed nicely and actually begin to divide ( a good sign)

The transfer was over in seconds and Dr Surrey was so gentle it was easier than any IUI (or the Valium helped). Now it was time to lay there! Almost immediately after TR took the photo of BB on the screen, we both looked at each other and started to cry. Realizing that the miracle of life was inside my uterus. Hopefully, snuggling up for the long haul. (will post a picture later)

After the tears fell, TR left again while I received another post transfer acupuncture treatment, while my hips legs were titled upwards and the head was tilted down towards the floor. After an hour, I was able to be wheeled out and head back to the hotel.

The hotel will be my home for the next 48 hours! If you have never been forced to stay in bed with your legs propped up, ya wouldnt know how challenging this can be. Luckily, TR has been the best caretaker. I certainly haven't gone hungry!!

Rubbing the Buddha belly and wishing I had X-ray vision to see what was going on in there!

Guess I will know in about 2 weeks.

Settle in sweet BB. Settle in.

Time to meet you

Today is the day I am going to meet BB. Embryologist called this am to confirm I was in the state, feeling well and confirm I started my progesterone on August 19th. Yes.Yes. And Yes. I asked how long it takes to "warm" the embryo and Laura said about 10 mins but they like to watch it for an hour or so to make sure it expands.

Please expand.

I had to ask about what if it doesn't thaw properly and she confirmed she would call me back. She wasn't that concerned due to their high success rate.

 Please phone don't ring.

So glad that TR is with me for the process to keep me calm. We haven't had a true girls weekend in a while so this will have to do. Hoping to get out on Sunday for a movie or lunch. I know I have a bunch of my village here with me in spirit.

Looking forward to an hour of acupuncture. Hoping it's the points that I know and love and am actually going to ask them to do one on my wrist. P7...pericardiam.

Please calm me.

See you soon BB.

If you don't succeed....

Try, Try again. Isn't this what we were taught as kids?? Well, it hit me yesterday while at my last electro stim acupuncture session that Friday's transfer will be try...#10! 

Couldn't really believe it. I have had 7 IUIs, 2 try's with BP and this will be IVF #1.  This process has been going on for over 2 years (since July 3rd, 2010). I can't even count the number of blood draws, ovulation kits, vaginal ultrasounds, prenatal vitamins (with extra folic acid) and acupuncture needles I have gone through. 

The IVF process started at my one day work up in Colorado on April 16th. Here we go again. Back to Denver for the 3rd time this year for the frozen transfer. I still really can't think much past Friday. Hoping that my little BB makes it past the thaw in the morning. They have a 95% successful thaw rate. With only one little pumpkin, I can't be that 5%. My biggest fear right now. The thought that makes my stomach do flips. Moving on. 

At my last acupuncture session with Cricket as she was focusing on keeping me at peace, she spoke about trying to find the connection between my heart and uterus. I can't verbalize the fear that's inside of me as I move forward on this journey. The fear of what ifs. So, I don't like to talk about them. I don't like to talk about next steps past this weekend. I don't like to put them out in the universe. Maybe the universe might hear them. So I keep them to myself. Cricket reminded me to honor those feelings and it's ok to have that conversation internally. To try and find that peace between my heart and my uterus; my temple. I will work on that on the plane. 

So, I am going through the motions of getting ready to fly to Denver to meet my "BB" tomorrow at 2pm. Hopefully, she (I feel like BB is a strong female) will hang on in the morning to meet her well prepped home. 

It's 2 days of bed rest after that. Looking forward to room service (which may mean TR making a trip to Naked Pizza!!) 

 

What's one more pill...

Well, I got the green light for my FET scheduled for next Friday. Still really numb about the whole process and leaving it up to my village to be excited. Just can't go there. As I said before maybe it's a defense mechanism or something. Either way its what gets me through the day.

My lining looked fabulous....yes, fabulous...who knew ones uterine lining could be defined as such.
11mm is apparently a nice bed for BB. My estrogen levels were slightly low at 199 and they wanted it above 300. They added oral estrogen to my cocktail today to try to get it up before next week. I go back on Tuesday for more blood work.

So, after a much needed therapy session (more to vent about work) I bolted back to the city to pick up the new meds. Once home, I wrote down all the meds I need to continue to take and those that need to be added on Sunday.

Here goes:
4 Estrogen patches changed every other day (and can't be placed in the same area!)
Prometrium 3 times a day vaginally (must lay down for 30 mins after!)

Aspirin

Medrol (this makes me HUNGRY!) 

Doxycycline 

B12/Folic Acid (b/c I don't absorb regular folic acid) 

B6

Vitamin 6 

Probiotics (something above is gonna give me a yeast infection!) 

So, in the whole scheme of things...whats one more pill of estrogen?? At least my Lupron shots end tomorrow. Those aren't normally bad but this compound of Lupron would irritate my skin and was itchy. 

Hope BB is ready to meet its new home. It's pumped full of hormones and all vitamins and minerals. No soy. Very little sugar. And every now and then a piece of steak. Sounds like a nice temple to me. 

 

One of those days

They usually happen on a weekend. When my mind isn't busy with meetings, appointments or making sure a program is running smoothly and clients are getting connected to services. When my mind has time to just think.

Every morning at 7 am my injection is a daily reminder of what I am trying to do and what has been over a 2 year journey. I can't escape it right now if I wanted to. The square clear estrogen patch on my hip is also a reminder of what I am preparing to do as the next step.
The faint headache that won't go away with extra water is another reminder that is more apparent on the weekend when I have time to notice it. And the sadness that overwhelmes me is just a bit deeper on the weekend when I really have time to process things.

It's one of those days that I am tired if being reminded of what I still don't have. What I have been trying to obtain for 25 months. That's almost 3 9-month cycles of trying to have a baby. No wonder I have watched countless women start trying, get pregnant and have their babies during this time.

Dont get me wrong, I am happy for everyone who has been trying and ultimately receives that amazing gift of a child. But one can only  smile for so long before the sadness takes over and even the fake smile is difficult.

Today is one of those days. I am tired of faking the smile. Tired of hearing the good news for everyone else but me. Tired of hearing about pregnancy symptoms, baby showers and unmedicated IUIs that work the first time. Tired of being asked "what's new" when you see an old high school friend because all you really want to say is "I am pregnant" but instead manage to sneak out "Busy with work" Tired of the hormones making me feel like this....Tired of people telling me they have a good feeling about THIS one.

But....

I keep going. I have to keep  pushing forward on my journey to be a mom.

It's just one of those hard days that unless you have been here you will never really know how hard it is.

Just one of those days and I needed to get that out.

Evil Estrogen

I wasnt really too concerned about starting the estrogen patches. Just stick one on my belly and change every two days. Easy peasy. Wrong!

This morning I woke up at 7am as usual for my Lupron shot and this time added my "Vivelle dot" estrogen patch and went back to bed. I woke up at 1030. 1030. Haven't slept that late in years. I felt exhausted and attributed it to the estrogen. The rest of the day I had this dull headache.

Not only did I have this dull headache that got worse when I stood up but I was starving! I am still tracking my calories but I just want to eat the house. I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians (hey it's a good distraction) and they were eating muffins...all I could think about was muffins!!

Still hungry at 930 and am trying to talk myself out of it. Hoping the tired symptom will kick in soon. Maybe its just my body getting used to it and it will level off soon. Should be fun next week when I have to double up and eventually getting to four patches a day!

It's going to be a long month....if this is only Day 1.

Still here

I haven't been posting a lot lately because I don't have much to say. Feel like I have been moving along slowly and just ticking each day off the calendar. Still in a very protective mode. Not discussing the process so much nor the what ifs. I have been following my FET calendar daily and just checking off the items as they come along.

Birth Control Pills for 13 days. Check. Lupron injections. Check. Period. Check. Start Estrogen patches and aspirin. Tomorrow.

Just reserved a hotel room for the night before transfer so I won't have to stress about driving an hour from Boulder before transfer. I won't know what time my transfer is until 2 days before. This will make my morning (especially if its early) a bit more relaxing. I do know I will have acupuncture before and after transfer. I will also need bloodwork that morning so they could have me come in anytime.

Speaking of acupuncture, I continue to go for electro stim acupuncture two times a week. I went today and for the first time, I actually fell asleep. Not my norm. Dr. Cheng said my uterus was improving as per my tongue! He is out on vacation and has found me a new acupuncturist, Elizabeth K. (peruvian apparently) and I will see her next Friday. Its a big gap in between today and next week but not much i can do about it. I will see Cricket on Monday so that makes me feel a bit better. Feeling a bit aching tonight so not sure if thats the affects of the electro stim on the uterine area. My body is not my own anymore.

Estrogen patches start tomorrow and first monitoring will start on Friday to check my estrogen level. The biggest monitoring appointment will be on the 17th which will check my uterine lining and progesterone. This is the day that I will get the green light that we are moving forward with transfer. My lining needs to be a certain thickness and show multiple layers. Out of my control so I will just continue my day by day philosophy.

I still see pregnant women whenever I go. Elevator at work. Dental Hygienist.Grocery store. Everywhere. Why does the universe feel like they need to continually show me something that I still don't have. Deeply desire and have been attempting to have for over 2 years.

I was talking to someone earlier today and they asked a question that still sticks with me (though the reference was not me) "What did I do in my life, to cause me to suffer so much right now?" I don't believe that someone is punished for their previous actions. But it does make me wonder why the hell am I still not a mom?? If you go on that theory....what did I do wrong?

Day by Day

Finding I can't really handle much more than one day at a time. Last week, I had acupuncture twice, once with Cricket (my zen) and once with Dr. Cheng. I am starting to get used to his style and now that he has let me lay on my side instead of my belly its a bit more relaxing. Today, he told me he is going on vacation for 10 days but he will try to find me a new practitioner to see while he is cruising Alaska. Its a good thing b/c I don't want to stop electro stim. He seems to think my "uterus" according to my tongue is looking better. Started my Lupron shots on Friday which are pretty uneventful (crazy that sticking my abdomen with a needle doesn't even phase me anymore!) 

Woke up Friday morning in a panic as I thought that the irriration and itching was coming back. Sadly, I am way in tune with my body and I just know when it feels off. Called my high risk OB on his phone at 730 am freaking out that it was back. I needed him to see me to check things out. I also felt like I had some discharge and something wasn't quite right. He was calm as usual and said he would get his partner to see me. Dr. Atkins. Anyone, I would see anyone even a resident at this point.

2 pm on Friday I was greeted by a 40 something female OB who looked like someone I would hang out with on a Saturday! She was kind, patient and asked lots of questions. Tested for any infection and suggested I see more cortisone cream. Wrote me a script for more Medrol if necessary once I spoke to CCRM. The down side of being seen by ones high risk OB, is that you sit in a waiting room filled with BIG pregnant women. The entire visit I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat being monitored in the next room. Talk about trying to keep it together while explaining to this new doc while I was going to Colorado for IVF.

I was looking forward to a long needed therapy session which was cut short by the nurse on call at CCRM calling me back. She wanted to wait to see what the tests results showed on Monday but suggested all sorts of things from cortisone cream, dove soap, cotton underwear and my favorite....a hair dryer set on cool to dry my lady parts completely ...now thats a new one!! My therapist found that amusing!!

Email late last night from my OB, said tests were all negative. But did show some white blood cells...wasn't sure what that was from but concluded that there is some inflammation. I don't like not knowing and he said lets just wait and see how i feel throughout the week. Will email CCRM to determine there thoughts. Wondering if its just all the hormones or my body recovering from retrieval.

Still bummed that BP isn't able to come with me but its out of his control. I am lucky that my person from Arizona, T, is able to join me. She was there with me for a few days during retrieval and really has been on this journey since I made my original phone call to the first RE.

Its a few more days of birth control pills and then move on to estrogen patches. For now, I am still just trying to wrap my head around it all. I am in the mind set similar to when I was starting stims for retrieval, I couldn't think past each day. Just dealing with it day by day.....trying to make it through. Still feeling pretty numb. Numb. Still the  feeling of the day.

(sorry you had to hear about all my hooha woes but thats part of the journey!)

Numb

As I am beginning to heal physically from retrieval and feel almost back to myself physically, on an emotional level I feel numb. Just going through the motions of day to day activities but continue to just feel completely numb.

I had a wonderful almost 2 hour acupuncture treatment from Cricket. She knew that I was struggling and she treated me to really try to ignite the fire within. I definitely felt the warmth come over me after my treatment. The calmness. Always feel good after leaving my session. I had crazy dreams last night and that usually happens after my session with her. I look forward to every treatment and secretly hope they are long like this one.

But tonight, I feel numb. It's pretty much how I have felt as I move into transfer. I am not excited about the possibilities. Maybe it's protective. Maybe I am protecting my heart from possible disappointment and sadness. On this journey, I have learned that I do that to lessen the blow (if that's even possible). Perhaps that emotion will change over time when I start injections and estrogen patches (slightly afraid of what emotion they will facilitate)

I can tell I am not even stressed about work. I just go in, do what's on my calendar and leave. I just don't have the umph to even worry or stress about these work issues that are out of my control. And there are A LOT of work issues.....I should be stressed by it.

So for now, it's just numb. Still as I slowly tell my family that BB was the only one that remains I revisit the sadness all over again. I need to also figure out who can travel with me for transfer (as BP can't go). Ideally, I could just go and do this on my own but I will be on 2 days bed rest. I need to do my best to adhere to that and following doctors instructions. I will be staying at my aunts but can't rely on the fact that she won't have to work. A few friends have offered so we will see who can logistically work it out...I do have amazing friends!!

Going to try to turn my brain off and get some sleep. It's even hard for me to find the words to blog. For now, that's where I am. Maybe that will change when I start injections on Friday??

Will keep you posted on that theory!!

CCS Results

It was a strange evening...arriving home after work to a rainy evening. Watching the rain flow down my living room window (on the outside) prompted me to check the normal leaks and identify a new one coming from the floor and baseboard. Moved furniture, laid down blankets and just waited. Slightly annoyed but distracted by the electricity going out in one room. Several attempts to get the breaker reset failed and I was searching for electricians to contact. While dialing one electrician, I noticed a 303 area code. Colorado. My heart skipped a beat.

Hello? Dr. Surrey could hear the panic in my voice and commented on it. He sounded up beat and calm. I tried to catch my breathe and do the same. And then he said it, "of the 6 embryos tested, one was determined to be healthy"

ONE?

I could feel the lump in my throat. My heart begin to race even more and I just listened. He continued stating that a few of them had multiple choromosomal issues, one had an extra chromosome 18 and one had a deletion in chromosome 15. Dr. Surrey said that clearly these embryos would've caused miscarriage. He went on to say that the one that was graded as the "best" looking embryo, 5AA, actually had multiple chromosomal issues and wouldn't have survived. He said that the lone survivor was the embryo graded as 5BB. Last man standing.

Dr. Surrey explained I had 2 options. Move to transfer my one embryo. Or if I wanted more children in the future I could attempt another round of IVF. He recognized that this was expensive and I didn't have IVF coverage. I reminded him that I wanted one child and had been on this journey for 2 years. He agreed. Transfer the one remaing embryo and said chances were good it would stick. I did share that I was disappointed that there was only one and no back up in case this transfer didn't work. I shared the bad reaction I had to the betadine from retrieval and was still dealing with it. He apologized for that and said that Betadine isn't used during transfer but would make a note on my chart. Still,  he sounded excited by the news of my one lone embryo. Told me my nurse would call me tomorrow but I shared that we were already in touch and had a tenative date of August 24th. Wonderful, he says.

Hanging up the phone, I lost it. Tears began to flow and they didn't stop for hours. The kind of tears where you just can't stop yourself. Where you can't talk with anyone and your chest feels like its going to cave in. I sent a couple text messages that the results were back. One. 5BB was the last standing embryo.

The response (although meant to comfort me) that it only takes one made me so angry. I didn't want just one. I wanted all of them or at least two. I wanted one as a back up in case I have been miscarrying for other reasons. My biggest fear was that none of them would make it. So, I should be happy that one had survived. All I felt was sadness and disappointment.

An evening of crying and puffy eyes turned into a slow morning the next day. I was moving to transfer in August and as a reminder I had to pick up my to be refrigerated Lupron from Fedex that morning. Oddly, as I was picking up my package, a man in scrubs was also picking up something and saw my package stating "please refrigerate". He commented (gotta love the sensitive medical professional), "what you have in there, something good I hope?" Really dude? Its an injectible medication. Can you be in my business anymore? Disassembled the large box and put the medication, needles and sharps container in my bag and attempted to leave quickly.

I needed to grieve the loss of my other babies. I thought about asking the gender of the other 5 but felt it didn't really matter at this point. They weren't healthy and I couldn't use them. I am thankful that I went through the CCS testing. I can't imagine transferring those "highly graded" embryos and experiencing another miscarriage. A deep fear.

That fear is still there. There are no guarantees that a healthy embryo will result in a healthy live birth. The fragility of life still amazes me every moment. All the moments when something can go wrong from fertilization to implantation to everything in between. I have been trying to focus on one step at a time and was doing extremely well up until the news of one embryo.

What if this doesn't implant? What if I miscarriage again? What if my clotting disorder also affects my pregnancies? Should I do the Lovenox that I had discussed with my OB?

Feel like I am just moving with the calendar. Still trying to heal from retrieval and had to start a steroid pack to get rid of the contact dermititis due to Betadine. Started Electro-Stim Acupuncture. Ordered my other meds and will pick them up on August 1st. Moved some meetings that were scheduled for August 24th and booked my flight this morning. Haven't shared the information with my family as I haven't wanted to worry them or make it more of a reality.

Still trying to process the rest of this journey. I know i can't worry about the What Ifs but it consumes my mind these days.

BB, as my embryo has been nicknamed by BP, is waiting for me to get to Denver. I guess we will see if its time for me to meet my rainbow BB or not along this journey. Only time will tell. Only BB knows the true answer.

Dr Cheng

Last night I had my first appointment with an acupuncturist,Dr Cheng who I needed to do electro-stim acupuncture. CCRM follows a Swedish study that shows this type of acupuncture increases blood flow to the uterus thus increasing pregnancy results.

My friend,E has been going to Dr. Cheng for years so she highly recommended him. Fingers crossed that he was willing to do only the four points identified in this study. His small three room office was pretty plain but served his purpose. He moved quickly and in between the three rooms. Chinese by birth, he clearly spoke Mandarin and English. I definitely had to concentrate on what he was saying. He was willing to treat me. Whew. Willing to follow the study.Whew. But he also made some suggestions on other points to treat. Ahhh. I am sure he knows what he is doing but please just follow the study. A quick check of my pulses and my tongue, he agreed I was liver/kidney blood deficient.

Now onto the fun stuff, I laid on those lovely crinkle papers on his table on my belly. He placed 8 needles, in four points (bilaterally) connected me to the stim machine and we were buzzing. Actually could barely feel anything the I slight vibrationbut he said in his broken English that yes it should be dull. See you in 45 mins. UGH. Not the most relaxing position and I tried to go to a calm/happy place. The awful orchestral versions of songs from Lionel Richie and John Denever were more distracting than calming!

However, as I laid there trying to focus on blood flow increasing to my uterus....I realized that the one song playing was Somewhere over the Rainbow (orchestral version, of course). A sign maybe but I will take it as a place I was supposed to be!! Preparing for my rainbow baby.

Back on Saturday but think I will bring my own music!! Still waiting on test results and trying to get through one more day not knowing. I am a nervous wreck inside. Not much else one can do but wait.

Tentative transfer date

" Traci I have good thoughts that we are going to have an embryo or embryos to transfer and I will be hanging baby Kodeck's birth announcement on my board next year" ...Tonie

This was the motivational email I received today after getting my tentative frozen embryo transfer calendar and instructions. I wasn't expecting this at all because I am still waiting for CCS testing results. I did get my period today and emailed my nurse, Tonie, thinking she was just going to put me on birth control pills. Easy. Wrong.

What I got back was a flood of information, consents, prescriptions,medication orders and a calendar. Patches, pills and injections. What? Already?

It was a mixed emotion of panic and being unsettled with the lack of information on my 6 rainbow babies. I was definitely excited and jumped right on top of things (which is how I know I was excited)

I immediately printed everything out and realized that I had 6 weeks to start coordinating everything and schedule electro-stim acupuncture. Called Dr.Cheng and attempted to explain my needs for just electro-stim on onky four points based on a study that CCRM follows. Sorta got through but have an appointment tomorrow night. This facilitated the referral from my PCP to get insurance to cover it. Called the local RE about monitoring. The flurry of calls also started to come in from the pharmacies that had my orders. Injections ordered (covered by insurance) and shipping costs more than the copay! All other meds arrive August 1st. FedEx will be my new best friend.

Picked up my birth control pills to start them on Thursday. Here we go again. Just when I am on the upswing from retrieval. My body is starting to feel like it used to and the bloating is almost gone. The rash/allergic reaction to Betadine is slowly healing but it's taking a long time (maybe that's preparing me for delivery!!)

Need to make sure I stay somewhat sane during the next week or so while awaiting my results. Work will make that a challenge but will serve as the usual distraction.

It was a productive day and I always feel good when I am able to check things off the to do list. The email from Tonie made me believe. Believe that it just might happen. That my dream to be a mom just might be one step closer.

What an amazing dream....I deeply hope that one day, I can share this journey with my child. To share this amazing story of how they came to be and all those amazing people in my village that wanted it to happen. That wished it to happen. Feeling very teary and the estrogen patches haven't even been started!!

Add Tonie to my village (not that she wasn't already there) but now it's official

Welcome, Tonie!!

Basketball Team and a coach

I know that two week waits can be hellish but 6 days were long and day 6 itself went on forever. Thr time change made it even worse but I kept busy at work. I was distracted till about 3 pm and I started checking my phone every few minutes. It wasn't until I was driving to therapy that I got the call from Robyn.

SIX.

Six babies on day six. Half of the ones that fertilized.

Exhale.

It was the number I had in my head that I wanted at a minimum. I can finally breathe, well a little bit. I am moving into the next steps. CSS testing. I can't believe I am finally here. For the longest time, I couldn't look past July 4th. It's scary to think that now we wait. Wait to find out how many of my babies are healthy. The embryologist said they were watching a few more to see if they made it overnight and would call me again tomorrow.

My body on the other hand is still trying to sort out the change in hormones, increased fluid and bloating, constipation and some not so lovely bodily fluid issues. By far, the post retreival issue far surpass anything I was dealing with during stims. I really hope I don't have to do this again. I give credit to those that do several rounds of IVF. My body is screaming at me. All I want to do at night is go to sleep so I don't have to deal with my body issues. Hopefully, with acupuncture and probiotics my body will rebound shortly.

Update: July 12th!

Heard from embryologist and none made it from last night. So, SIX it is.

Which I am fine with. I asked again about grading.  They use a grading from 1-6 (6 being the best) and needing it to be above 3 to see the 2 different type of cells, intercells and trophectoderm and 2 letters A, B and C (A is great, B, avg C,poor). First letter represents the intercell mass (which will be my rainbow baby!) and the 2nd the trophectoderm (placenta) Here is how mine faired:

Day 5: 5AA (nicely done dude!), 4BB and a 3BB (he didn't study) Day 6: 3AB, 3BB and 5BB

now we wait another 2 weeks to see who is healthy!!

And one more makes 12

After an evening filled with feeling bloated and just "full", I headed back down to CCRM for yet another u/s and bloodwork. I can see how this would be difficult for those that are afraid of needles. I have become very comfortable with the drive from Boulder to Lone Tree maybe a bit too comfortable. The weather has seemed to cool off a bit and there is a cool breeze. I can't imagine having to go back to work soon.

Of course, got evil u/s tech lady but luckily BP was with me. She was actually quite mello from her usual commentaries and didn't say much. Looks like I had an exra one grow over night so I have a total of 12 follicles ranging from 26 mm to 12 mm. Grow little follicles grow. Trigger will be tonight and my nurse, Tonie marked my outer butt check with a big X. BP is confident he can assist with the trigger. I am just nervous in general about getting that long needle into my butt. Ice. Lots of ice. Watching the trigger shot video now and BP also watched it. "I can do that" he calmly states.

Glad that BP is here with me to distract me for the next 48 hours. Hopefully, celebrating his birthday will keep me focused on something else besides retrieval. BP does calm me and makes sure I don't get hyper focused on one issue or topic. Looking forward to a nice drive along the frontier of Northern Colorado to Cheyenne Wyoming tomorrow. Great way to celebrate BP, follicles and the birth of our independence.

Independent.

When I first started on this journey, exactly two years ago today (July 3rd, 2010), I believed I was starting on a journey towards motherhood as an independent, single woman who had this intense desire to be a mom. To give birth to her child. To feel them growing inside of me. That's partly true.

Independent.

So many have commented on how strong and independent I am throughout this whole process. Reviewing the definition of independent: "not relying on another or others for aid or support" , makes me realize that although I am traveling this journey  to be single mother,  I am by no means alone or independent. I have relied on others for support, comfort, love, friendship, education, and even sperm. I can't do this alone or independently. Looking back, I could've have made it this far without the support or aid of others. I wouldn't want to. All of my friends, family and my SMC family have supported me in their own way and I am so grateful for each and every one of them.
I am especially grateful for BP. He is helping me create life. Create my future son or daughter. Selfless acts for a friend and for that I will never be able to thank him enough. I am certain we never could've imagined the  place we would be today. Almost, 18 years later (July 21st, 1994) after meeting in Miami for pre-service Peace Corps Training. I am certain its not how he expected to be celebrating his 42nd birthday.

So, today we will celebrate independence as well as BP. A steak dinner and a road trip to Cheyenne is the least I can do for my friend don't you think?

(whew those hormones are getting to me)

I am sure I will update with our trigger shot experience.

Vanilla Bean Frappucino

Amazing the drive time on a Sunday. Door to Door from Boulder to CCRM it was an hour. Its much calmer in there on the weekends and nice to be one of 5 people instead of 15.

However, my stomach dropped when I saw which tech called me back. It was the u/s tech that originally did my scan on my one day work up. She lacks sensitivity but I took a deep breathe and went back like a big girl. Figured my main goal was to see my follicles and get out of there to meet with the nurse. However, she decided she needed to prod my emotions today. First thing out of her mouth was "wow, look at that huge fibroid" Yes, I know its there. Thanks for the reminder. I didn't respond. I just watched the screen and counted as she measured trying to distract myself. Next, she went THERE. "Have you ever been pregnant?" Yes, 4 times (why do you think i am here?) "Full term?" I could feel my stomach flip and the emotions run through my heart and throat. Really? Does this impact your ability to complete my scan?

 I just responded with a short..no.

Just get me through this and I can wait for the nurse to get results. I got dressed and moved into the little consult rooms. Ahhh, Tonie. My nurse comes into the room and I almost lost it with tears welling up in my eyes. I told her about what she said and she was sympathic and said now lets focus on your follicles.

11 follicles. .
Left: 19,19,16,15.5,12.5,11.5,11
Right: 17.5,17.5,15,13.5

Looks like my left one is my champion. Tonie felt like we were heading towards retrieval on Thursday. Whatever to get my maximum amount of follicles. Good thing I booked a hotel room for July 5th, so we can go from CCRM to hotel and rest before having to get up early and travel.

Still a bit teary after talking to Tonie but nothing a Vanilla Bean Skinny Frappucino can't fix.

The kicker...no sex. Ugh. Not that I really thought we were going to be able to but she definitely said no. It would've been nice (who am I kinding) it would've been amazing.

Eye on the prize. 11 follicles. Grow little rainbow baby...grow.

Photos

Thought I would share a few photos from the past few days....

Flagstaff Fire in South Boulder

Releasing my inner child

Beautiful Boulder neighborhood

Vacation Day

Today, was truly a wonderful vacation day that I almost forgot about the reason that I was actually  in Colorado (minus the 4 injections). This morning was gorgeous as I walked through the neighborhood of Mapleton Hills (part of Boulder) before it got hot. One hour and 3 miles filled with gorgeous blue skies, amazing green trees and walking along the Boulder Canyon Park. I ended my walk with a visit to the Boulder Farmers Market. Amazing. 

Organic Zucchini, organic cucumbers and the most fabulously sweet, red cherries (a splurge at 9 bucks!). There were tons of items I could've bought but the idea of spending more money just didn't sit right. Organic quinoa granola. Home grown loofah soap. Seriously? Definitely put Baltimore's market to shame.

Next stop, Celestial Seasonings Tea Factory. Who knew it even existed let alone that it existed in Boulder. A few quick miles down the road and I was at the factory for a free 45 minute tour. Over 80 different types of tea and you can sample ALL of them. I learned more than I never needed to know about tea. Green tea and Black tea come from the same plant and leaves (just prepared differently). They don't use a string or little tag on their teabag and it saves 3.5 million pounds of trash a year. In 2000, they actually combined with Hain and became the Hain Celestial Group which also makes Terra Chips and Alba cosmetics (not in this factory). Who knew? I survived the sweet smelling mint room which actually had no ventilation. Of course, I had to buy the sleepytime herbal peach and the acai mango zinger iced tea. Yum!!  Again, almost didn't think about IVF, estrogen or embryos despite the two VERY pregnant women on the tour with me.

Lunch at Whole Foods and a few hours wandering around Barnes and Noble. What a relaxing day with no concern about the time, work or anything related to follicles.

Tommorrow is a different story....morning ultrasound appointment to see how those follicles are growing. Looking forward to picking BP up at the airport. I am hoping tomorrow I will know for certain
 when is retrieval day. It keeps flip flopping between July 4th and July 5th. Fingers are crossed for the 4th so i have a day to recoup before flying home.

Still really don't feel much of anything. Slightly bloated but that could just be my normal IBS issues. No nausea and very little feeling of much of anything going on down in those ovaries.

Only time will tell. For now, I am going to try to continue the "I am on vacation" mentality.

Fire and Follicles

The past few days have been a whirlwind between monitoring and tracking the fires. The largest fire in Colorado's history has burned over 17,000 acres, over 300 homes and already two deaths. Devastation is all over Colorado, but the Waldo Canyon is clearly the worst fire. Boulder's fire, Flagstaff Mountain fire was 40% contained and the pre-evacuation orders were removed by Thursday. Colorado Springs is a federal disaster and Obama was here today touring the damage. Just awful. My friend and I were having breakfast the other day, when the firefighters came into the diner. The smell of smoke was immediate and so intense. We decided we needed to pay it forward and bought 3 fire fighters breakfast. Its the least we could do right?

Wednesday was my first monitoring appointment and had some good news so far. 15 follicles originally identified with the largest being 12mm and the smallest 2mm. 5 on the right and 10 on the left. The u/s tech was extremely pleasant (completely different from last time) and explained everything she was doing and seeing. My E2 was 933 and should continue to rise. The nurse did reduce my follistim meds slightly so my follicles don't grow too fast. Slow and steady wins the race.

Friday's monitoring showed 9 follicles bigger than 10. I know thats a good number but was disappointed that it went from 15 to 9 in two days. Really it just says that the smaller ones are still there but just aren't going to catch up to the others before retrieval. Loved the u/s tech today,Tamara. E2 was 1725 (rising is a good thing!)  Here is the list of the 9 growing follies:

L: five 13.5,12.5,12,11.5,10.5
R:four 14,12.5,11.5,11
Its hard to wrap my head around the fact that one of these little follicles could be an embryo by next week.....trying to stay in the moment and take one thing at a time. I get freaked out and panicky with what ifs....if i go there. I just can't.

Its been helpful that my best friend/person was here for the past 3 days to keep me distracted with shopping and eating :) Yes, Beans, we tried the Naked Pizza ...OMG!! Fabulous.

Back in Boulder and really tired. Perhaps that was the shopping or maybe the meds. Time to chill on the sofa and see what tomorrow brings.