Anxious

Woke up this morning feeling anxious. Maybe it's because I rolled over and my boobs weren't as sore as yesterday. Maybe its the unknown of what is actually happening. Maybe its no other symptoms were really appearing and staying. Yesterday, I had some slight queasiness but by noon it was gone and it was very slight. Was it all just in my head.

The questions that constantly race through my mind.....what's my progesterone level? Did it drop below six? Is my beta increasing? Why do I feel so good when other newly pregnant women are tired and bloated?

I took today off not because of 9/11 but because I knew I would be tired after Monday Night Football game at Ravens Stadium. Days off are always hard for me. More time to think, lay in bed and just have questions race through my mind. I do have a hair appointment later today (where I am not going to let her color my hair this time.....) and a condo meeting plus a few errands.

Tomorrow is blood work in the morning. Maybe it's the anxiety if getting those numbers back. The wait. The infamous waiting.

Maybe I will go pee on a stick just to see the words again. I turned on soundscapes on my tv to help calm the environment and fill the anxiety space in my mind with calming music.

It is that feeling that goes from your heart deep inside that radiates throughout ones body. I hate it. I wish there was a button to turn it off. I haven't had this feeling in a while. The feeling that something bad is going to happen. This process of IVF/FET has been pretty smooth. No major bumps. Hey, I got pregnant which is HUGE.

I have been here before. Trying so hard to tell myself this time is different. BB is healthy. It's so hard. 5-6 weeks is always when I get the "bad news".  I want so much to be deeply wrong. Deep within my soul. BB is just the size of a poppy seed but I love her/him so much already. Will we ever meet??

Exhale.