Bucket List

There are times when we may not understand the universe and we just have to wait to be able to put all the pieces together.

The other day I recieved a bill in the mail from my work up at CCRM for 2 genetic tests; 1200 to test for SMA and Fragile X. CCRM felt they were missing from my genetic screening. SMA has no cure and attacks the muscles in ones body resulting in dealth usually by age two. Fragile X also an inherited genetic disorder causes intellectual disorders. I hadn't really heard of either but both tests came back negative. At first, I grimaced at the costs of just two tests and decided to see if insurance will cover the cost.

Later on in the day, I was reading CNN and discovered an amazing and inspiring story about a little girl, Avery from Texas who was diagnosed with a genetic disorder, SMA at the age of four months. Instead of wallowing in sadness or why me attitude, her parents created a blog to help spread the word about SMA testing prior to pregnancy. In a creative format, the parents speak in Avery's voice and celebrate her milestones and have created a bucket list for her that is forever evolving.

I was amazed (and pissed) that it took almost 2 years, 4 miscarriages and 2 doctors before I was even counseled on getting this test. It's not a normal part of the genetic screening panel and most insurance companies do not cover it (mine is still pending). However, I am no longer bitter about the cost of the test.

Thank you Avery for showing me that I can also do my part in educating single moms by choice about testing for this disease. Here is what is posted on every post from Avery:

Each time I post an update, please share my story by updating your social networks, e-mailing all of your contacts, and talking to your friends/co-workers.  And to all my girlfriends out there, tell your Ob/GYN about my story and maybe they'll routinely start offering SMA testing.  If we can help save a few of my future friends and their mommy, daddy, and loved ones from SMA, then my life, while cut short in time, will be beyond fulfilling in stature.

My bucket list is to educate someone out there (Maybe a Single mother by Choice) who didn't know about SMA....and they got tested or spread the word.

What's on your bucket list today?

Check out Avery and her amazing bucket list:

My Village

As I patiently wait for next steps which includes day 3 lab work and my follow up consult with Dr.S on May 15th, I am learning all I can about IVF protocols from my village. My family and friends are the foundation of my village but I have been so lucky to find an amazing group of women. Single Mothers by Choice or SMC.

Women from all across the country, Canada and as far as Cambodia, have joined in this journey to become a single mother. Some are women that have realized much earlier in their 30s that they want to embark on this process. Others are women closer to my age and who have experienced challenges like myself.

I need to recognize these amazingly strong women for without them I would be a lot less dedicated. Every day, I log on to this forum where I connect to women trying to conceive and learn a little more about the process. I have made amazing friends with women who I have never met face to face. I have had friends laugh with me about crazy bodily fluid symptoms and cry with me during each of my losses.

My family and friends here are wonderful, please don't doubt that but my SMC family have walked a mile in my shoes. It's these steps before me that keep me going. From them I have learned perservence and to trust myself. They have become my village and as I embark this new journey to IVF, I am following some phenomenal women. This reminds me of my favorite poem from Maya Angelou:

Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It's in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me.

Thank you for educating me, sharing with me, holding my hand and supporting me during this long walk to be a mom. I hope I am helping someone along their journey as well. It really is about paying it forward, right?

Today, someone from my SMC village received a positive pregnancy test after a long journey through IVF, I had chills and I think we collectively screeched!! We cheer each other on and it makes every pothole in the road just a bit more palatable.

What would I do without them?? I am so thankful to add them all to my village.

128 million

The standard is 20 million,,,,,,128 million!

Enough said.

ODWU

ODWU @ CCRM for IVF (I will do an acronym post soon!)

After two days of relaxing in Boulder at my aunt's house and Pearl St, BP and I went for the One Day Work Up (ODWU) at CCRM. On a gorgeous blue sky day, we checked in at the front desk and received our schedule--10 appointments. I tried not to look ahead as to not overwhelm myself. Just walking into the expansive building filled with natural light, cherry wood accents and a waterfall, gave me a sense of calm. It was 7 am.

BP had to go first with his "donation" in the andrology lab (in the basement!). He had 30 minutes to complete the process (no stress there) and to me the tiny room was a bit too sterile. I was nervous for him but all seemed to go well and we moved on to our following meetings.
The day was packed checking in for each individual appointment: met with the nurse manager (this was a group session); Dr. Surrey; my IVF Nurse, Tonie (who has IVF 6 year old twins compliments of CCRM); the phlebotomist for all our blood work (I had 8 vials to his 3); finance office; ultrasound tech (who I didn't care for); lab tech for consent forms for IVF and finally the hysteroscopy with Dr. Surrey!!

By the end of the day, BP was exhausted and I was a bit loopy from the percocets I took an hour before my hysteroscopy. I am thankful BP was there to hold my hand for that procedure. What I learned by the end of the day is that my uterus was fertile ground. No fibroids, polyps or scar tissue. What the tech thought was "something" turned out to only be a ridge from my previously ressected septum. However, they did find low blood flow to my uterus which Dr. Surrey seemed unphased by and said I can treat with electro-stim acupuncture.

Still lots of hurdles to jump over before I can actually start an IVF cycle. We need to wait for all the routine blood work plus I still need day 3 blood work on nexts months cycle. I have a laundry list of "to-do's" before my follow up call with the doctor on May 15. Overall, It was a good day. It still feels right. BP and I both liked CCRM and the doc but were really amazed by the "business type" attitude of the clinic staff. Staff didn't seem to interact with each other too much and were all about business. I guess that's a good thing.

Prior to going to CCRM, this was my email post from a website that emails daily affirmations and I found it fitting to share:

What if today was your day? The most amazing day of your life, so far? A day that would change everything for the better? What's already good would become great. What's already great would become amazing. And what's already amazing would become the stuff of legends. Go get it...


I am thankful for a good ODWU and I am thankful for my friend, BP who is giving me the most precious gift of all....

Southwest needs to turn on the heat

Flying to Denver for my one day work up (ODWU) with BP, besides the reggae music pulsating in my ears, I am left with my thoughts about my upcoming appointment on Monday (BP can sleep anywhere!) And freezing fingers and toes...this is not good for my fertility!!

What IF.....

My follicle count is low? My FSH is high? BP's sperm counts are off? My fibroid has grown? They find scar tissue from my 3 miscarriages?? BP's sperm have two heads? I have some weird uterine disorder that decreases my chances of carrying to term?

I know I know, I am panicking and need to think positive. Unfortunately, these are real thoughts that until now have been suppressed by work and preparing for this trip. Quiet time is my enemy. Left with my own thoughts, I am starting to stir with anxiety. However, there is this other strange sense of calm that this day is finally coming to fruition. A day that I see as the next step on my journey to motherhood. As the start of the final journey to motherhood.

I look back and wonder how in the world have I survived the last 21 months. How did I get thru 3 miscarriages? 8 IUIs?? Injectibles? Diagnosis of clotting disorder? Changing from donor sperm to known donor? Switching RE's? Traveling to Colorado for IVF consult? All while holding down a full time job as a Vice Preisdent of a non profit. Yikes.

The other day, I was having dinner with a colleague who also struggled with infertility ultimately having twins at 31 weeks (they are now 7!). She has been a sounding board for me during this process and her comment stuck with me the other night.

"I am not surprised you are doing this, we are both successful confident career women, of course we handle the challenges of infertility. That same drive that made us successful professionally is what is pushing you (us) to be a mom"

So, as I put one foot in front of the other on this next path (slight left turn from thr original path), I am reminding myself of where I have been. The journey I have survived to get here and how I am NOT done yet.

I CAN do this. I WILL do this. If only those what IF thoughts weren't so damn loud!

Taking a Risk

Yesterday while reading, Real Simple May issue, I was reading the section called Your Words. Here the magazine poses a question and readers email their responses. The question for a future month was to describe a risk you are glad you took. This question resonated with me and I had to answer it ( I had never responded to these questions before but always loved this section!)

I paused. And for a moment thought about the risk of trying to conceive and become a single mom. I paused. I just wasn't ready to go there and tell the whole world my struggles to have a baby.

But, my greatest risk was when in 1994, I took a leap of faith and joined the United States Peace Corps. I graduated from college and less than 3 weeks later, I was flying to a small island in the Eastern Caribbean to spend the next 2 years of my life. This experience really was the foundation of who I would become professionally years later. I learned to wash my cloths by hand, survive with only a bucket bath with rain water and speak creole, a language not well known outside of this region. The independence prepared me for the path of single motherhood. I realize now all that time spent living in a small concrete house in a small village was pushing me to take risks in life. Preparing for future challenges. Being independent. Doing things alone surrounded by my village.

Well, 18 years later, here I am preparing to enter the world of IVF, alone but with my village of family and friends around me. One of those friends, is my Known Donor (KD) who I met 18 years ago this July, day 1 of my pre-service training in Miami. If all goes well, I could be doing retrieval in June/July ....around the same time I landed on that tiny island 18 years ago.

So, I shared my story of joining the Peace Corps with the editors of Real Simple. They loved it and want to add it to the August issue.

Maybe one day I will be able to write to them about the risk of single motherhood and the journey to get here.

Either way, my strength, determination and heart will always be deeply rooted in my peace corps work. Maybe one day, I will be able to take my child to that small village that taught me that life is about taking risks.

I am sure glad I did.

Reminders

Some days are wonderful and I can get through them without too many reminders. Others, I struggle with constant reminders of what I have been working towards for 18 months...being a mom. Today, started out sunny but as usual can turn on a dime due to variety of reasons. Its worse when ya don't see it coming. For someone who hasn't been in my shoes, haven't struggled with miscarriages or haven't had trouble getting pregnant, it's hard to wrap your head around all the reminders that surround me on a daily basis.

Here are a few:

1.Pregnant women.Everywhere.
2.Buying tampons
3.Families out on Easter Sunday
4.A coworker making casual conversation, asking me if I have kids
5.Monthly tracking of when I ovulate,mensturate and any related fertility functions
6.Prental vitamins plus extra folic acid,B12, B6 and aspirin
7.Holding my breathe that someone doesn't ask if I am pregnant at a family holiday dinner
8.Seeing another FB post of someone who is pregnant or just had their baby
9.Driving for blood work to check some blood level
10.Giving up alcohol

Not April's Fool

One would think that being a vegetarian would already make a person "healthy" but it's not the case. I have always struggled with my weight and familial high cholesterol. Over the past 18 months, I have started to make changes with my eating that have already started to impact my health.

After a physical in March, I learned that my overall cholesterol had dropped over 40 points and back in normal range. Hmmm, how did that happen since I had added red meat back in my diet??? Breakfast had consisted of oatmeal, flax seeds and goji berries (and recently added chia seeds). Perhaps this had done the trick.

In an attempt to add more iron into my diet (as per the suggestion of my acupuncturist, Cricket), I had added Kale, black strap molasses and adzuki beans. All high in iron with the thought that I needed more iron due to my repeat losses. Every meal was planned with making my body a healthier vessel for a baby. This can be challenging as you go out with friends or don't feel like cooking.

I was reading labels more often and attempting to stop eating anything with high fructose corn syrup. As a vegetarian for over 20 years, I would normally eat soy products such as tofu for a protein. Research shows a correlation of soy's effects on ones estrogen levels, so I made a concerted effort not to eat items like edamame and tofu products. Really.Hard.

I even switched my half calf coffee in the morning to completely decaf (and then water processed decaf coffee). Don't get me wrong these small changes were easily implemented but didn't stop me from consuming a bag of Cheetos on those dark days after a loss. Between the hormonal changes from 3 pregnancies and depression, my weight continued to rise.

Weight is always a tabu topic especially for women. As I made the decision to move to IVF, (which I orginally said I wouldn't do), I also made the decision that I had to do something with my weight. On a frame of 5'1, a couple of pounds makes a huge difference on my hips...and well other areas! I figured I could make some big changes that will allow me to lose weight over the next few weeks before I start injections (which have a side effect of weight gain).

April Fools Day was the day I decided to stop drinking and cut out sugar. No joke. I love chocolate and a piece of dark chocolate at work was a treat for me but that always turned into a few pieces too many. One week later I can report, I have been chocolate free (oops I guess that chocolate macaroon for Passover was a no-no) mostly all week. I started cooking again and made some delicious omlettes and kale. This weekend, I took a 3 mile walk around the gorgeous harbor and cooked healthy egg muffins for work this week. I started tracking my calories on an iPad app and will attempt to walk to work on most days next week. I don't even miss alcohol. Next week might be a different story!

I recognize that all these things are "baby" steps...yeah baby steps to make my body a healthier environment for my baby. Any change I can do now will impact my baby. Power of positive thinking that there will be a baby in there soon.

I am being gentle with myself and won't beat myself up if I eat something not so healthy or have a drink after my one day work up in Denver. I am proud of myself for these "baby" steps that get me one step closer to my baby.

Great Enveloping

Do you believe things happen for a reason?? I wasn't always convinced but my experience with acupuncture has definitely changed my mind.

November 2010, my boss and I were traveling to Denver for a work conference about 2 weeks prior to my first IUI. On the flight, I ended up sitting next to a woman who was heading home to visit her family. She had just had a baby (6 months prior) and was still breastfeeding. At one point during the flight she got up to use restroom but was quickly asked to return to her seat due to turbulence. She was trying to pump her breast milk and of course, I could've cared less if she did this at her seat. We started talking casually and she beemed with love about her recent birth. For some reason, I told this complete stranger, I was attempting to become pregnant. She shared that she was a acupuncture practitioner and we talked about my past experience with acupuncture (which was positive). Before we landed, she gave me her name and number to contact her in the future if needed which I casually wrote on a SW ticket jacket and shoved in my bag.

Fast forward February 2011, 2 IUIs and a 10 week miscarriage, I found myself teary eyed contacting that sweet woman I meant on the plane. Appointment schedule with Cricket.

It's been over a year that I have been traveling twice a month (sometimes weekly) to Cricket's home for treatments. Building blood. Energy. Kidney Qi. Spleen. Moxa. Fire. All these new words and concepts that became a new kind of therapy for me. Not only was I trying to have a baby but I was working on creating the most nourishing environment for my baby. I started eating meat again (remember its been 20 years) to work on building blood. I added Kale and adzuki beans to my diet regularly and massaged a point on my ankles that was a strong fertility point (when not pregnant). A long stressful day at work or a feeling of despair was replaced with warmth, energy and calmness.

Each session is a reminder of the end goal and I have opened my mind to that it's not all about science and recognized the importance of the mind/body connection. I must admit there have been a few sessions of cursing or tears from painful (or awkward) points. I told Cricket tonight I can't imagine not coming for treatment. I am fascinated by each point, what it means, it's correlation to a body part such as kidney or spleen and the concept behind each one. Is it ironic that my Kokopelli tattoo is strategically placed (withought knowing) where the kidney and spleen meet (both important to ferility!). I am always asking her to explain each new point (tonight was the first night in a while I had done so). She has been through each pregnancy, miscarriage and witnessed elation and deep despair. Each step of the way guiding me and lifting my spirit.

So, as I travel back to Denver in a little over a week, I will be thinking of that plane ride 18 months ago and how it was meant to be that she sat between my boss and I on that plane.

As I drift off to sleep with a renewed sense of self and determination (and the smell of sweet moxa) that I will be a mom, I realize that my village is already starting to expand. I am so honored to have Cricket as part of my village and be enveloped by her support and wisdom.

Cousins

For the past 3.5 years, most Wednesdays have ended with dinner time, playing, snuggling, tubby time, embracing my inner child and bedtime stories with my sweet nephew, W. This wonderful weekly ritual originally came about because when W was a newborn (during the height of football season) my brother in law had band practice for the Ravens Marching Band on Wednesdays. As my sister was still on maternity leave, I would show up to give her a break while the hubby was at practice.

Of course, I was selfish and had uninterrupted quality time holding my sweet mostly sleeping nephew! How couldn't this be fabulous?? Watching the small milestones on a weekly basis and bonding with this dimpled boy.

As I started with this process of becoming a mom, seeing my W or "schmoopy" was my refuge from life. My time to not think about ovulation or miscarriages but to enjoy the innocence of childhood and see life as simply as he saw it. It never gets old and his sense of humor is starting to develop!!

However, as I sat snuggled with him tonight watching Charlotte's Web, I couldn't help think about how much I wanted to give him a cousin. W. is an only child and has lots of friends at school however I not only desire to have a child for myself but to see how this will impact him. How wonderful would it be to have someone to catch lightening bugs with over the summer or have sleep overs with during spring break?

W. will be 4 in September and of course, it won't be until he is probably 5 that I could/would give birth if my IVF cycle was in September (TBD). This all resonates with me and makes that desire to have a child even stronger.

At least I know by then, W. will be a voracious reader and I can't help but visualize him reading Charlotte's Web to his cousin.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADOPT?

This question was asked of me today after I shared that I was moving to IVF (by someone who knows the long journey I have been on). "there are lots of children that need a good home"

Now, I first must disclaim that I think adoption is a wonderful option. And without adoption I wouldn't be able to spoil by sweet, brown haired, dimpled nephew. So, I definitely know the power of adoption!!

With that said, I am not there yet. I really WANT to be pregnant. It's not so much about having a biological child because I would be fine moving to donor eggs if I could afford them.

It truly is about being pregnant and going through that process. I know either way will make me a mom....and that's the end result!

Just not ready to give up on that dream just yet....

BTW: Never ask someone this question when they tell you they have decided to move onto IVF!!

CCRM Consult

I wonder if I had some foresight to call the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine weeks ago to schedule a free phone consult?? Why not, what could it hurt? Its just a second opinion and not like I would actually GO TO COLORADO.

Dr.S was randomly assigned my case and I got in early due to a cancellation. Lots of questions and 30 minutes later I was hooked. I MUST GO TO CCRM.

And the road to motherhood just turned sharp left by way of Denver. Ironically, Dr. S felt I was a prime candidate for IVF with chromosomal screening. He concurred with my local RE that MTHFR was probably not the cause of my miscarriages but more likely chromosomal abnormalities. He explained the process of compreshensive chromosomal screening (CCS), after forming the embryos they test one single cell from each embryo. The embryos (hopeful there will be many) are frozen and we wait for the tests to come back. Based on the screen, they would only transfer "healthy" embryos back in.

The process has begun. I was contacted by the nurse and scheduler to coordinate my One Day Work Up (ODWU) for both me and BP. A day filled with blood work, ultrasounds,sperm analysis and lots of information. A ton of things to get done before my trip including a pap, day 3 blood work and coordinating flights/rental cars.

Luckily, I have family in Boulder so I will be staying with them for a few nights.

Jumping on the crazy train......