Southwest needs to turn on the heat

Flying to Denver for my one day work up (ODWU) with BP, besides the reggae music pulsating in my ears, I am left with my thoughts about my upcoming appointment on Monday (BP can sleep anywhere!) And freezing fingers and toes...this is not good for my fertility!!

What IF.....

My follicle count is low? My FSH is high? BP's sperm counts are off? My fibroid has grown? They find scar tissue from my 3 miscarriages?? BP's sperm have two heads? I have some weird uterine disorder that decreases my chances of carrying to term?

I know I know, I am panicking and need to think positive. Unfortunately, these are real thoughts that until now have been suppressed by work and preparing for this trip. Quiet time is my enemy. Left with my own thoughts, I am starting to stir with anxiety. However, there is this other strange sense of calm that this day is finally coming to fruition. A day that I see as the next step on my journey to motherhood. As the start of the final journey to motherhood.

I look back and wonder how in the world have I survived the last 21 months. How did I get thru 3 miscarriages? 8 IUIs?? Injectibles? Diagnosis of clotting disorder? Changing from donor sperm to known donor? Switching RE's? Traveling to Colorado for IVF consult? All while holding down a full time job as a Vice Preisdent of a non profit. Yikes.

The other day, I was having dinner with a colleague who also struggled with infertility ultimately having twins at 31 weeks (they are now 7!). She has been a sounding board for me during this process and her comment stuck with me the other night.

"I am not surprised you are doing this, we are both successful confident career women, of course we handle the challenges of infertility. That same drive that made us successful professionally is what is pushing you (us) to be a mom"

So, as I put one foot in front of the other on this next path (slight left turn from thr original path), I am reminding myself of where I have been. The journey I have survived to get here and how I am NOT done yet.

I CAN do this. I WILL do this. If only those what IF thoughts weren't so damn loud!