Photos

Thought I would share a few photos from the past few days....

Flagstaff Fire in South Boulder

Releasing my inner child

Beautiful Boulder neighborhood

Vacation Day

Today, was truly a wonderful vacation day that I almost forgot about the reason that I was actually  in Colorado (minus the 4 injections). This morning was gorgeous as I walked through the neighborhood of Mapleton Hills (part of Boulder) before it got hot. One hour and 3 miles filled with gorgeous blue skies, amazing green trees and walking along the Boulder Canyon Park. I ended my walk with a visit to the Boulder Farmers Market. Amazing. 

Organic Zucchini, organic cucumbers and the most fabulously sweet, red cherries (a splurge at 9 bucks!). There were tons of items I could've bought but the idea of spending more money just didn't sit right. Organic quinoa granola. Home grown loofah soap. Seriously? Definitely put Baltimore's market to shame.

Next stop, Celestial Seasonings Tea Factory. Who knew it even existed let alone that it existed in Boulder. A few quick miles down the road and I was at the factory for a free 45 minute tour. Over 80 different types of tea and you can sample ALL of them. I learned more than I never needed to know about tea. Green tea and Black tea come from the same plant and leaves (just prepared differently). They don't use a string or little tag on their teabag and it saves 3.5 million pounds of trash a year. In 2000, they actually combined with Hain and became the Hain Celestial Group which also makes Terra Chips and Alba cosmetics (not in this factory). Who knew? I survived the sweet smelling mint room which actually had no ventilation. Of course, I had to buy the sleepytime herbal peach and the acai mango zinger iced tea. Yum!!  Again, almost didn't think about IVF, estrogen or embryos despite the two VERY pregnant women on the tour with me.

Lunch at Whole Foods and a few hours wandering around Barnes and Noble. What a relaxing day with no concern about the time, work or anything related to follicles.

Tommorrow is a different story....morning ultrasound appointment to see how those follicles are growing. Looking forward to picking BP up at the airport. I am hoping tomorrow I will know for certain
 when is retrieval day. It keeps flip flopping between July 4th and July 5th. Fingers are crossed for the 4th so i have a day to recoup before flying home.

Still really don't feel much of anything. Slightly bloated but that could just be my normal IBS issues. No nausea and very little feeling of much of anything going on down in those ovaries.

Only time will tell. For now, I am going to try to continue the "I am on vacation" mentality.

Fire and Follicles

The past few days have been a whirlwind between monitoring and tracking the fires. The largest fire in Colorado's history has burned over 17,000 acres, over 300 homes and already two deaths. Devastation is all over Colorado, but the Waldo Canyon is clearly the worst fire. Boulder's fire, Flagstaff Mountain fire was 40% contained and the pre-evacuation orders were removed by Thursday. Colorado Springs is a federal disaster and Obama was here today touring the damage. Just awful. My friend and I were having breakfast the other day, when the firefighters came into the diner. The smell of smoke was immediate and so intense. We decided we needed to pay it forward and bought 3 fire fighters breakfast. Its the least we could do right?

Wednesday was my first monitoring appointment and had some good news so far. 15 follicles originally identified with the largest being 12mm and the smallest 2mm. 5 on the right and 10 on the left. The u/s tech was extremely pleasant (completely different from last time) and explained everything she was doing and seeing. My E2 was 933 and should continue to rise. The nurse did reduce my follistim meds slightly so my follicles don't grow too fast. Slow and steady wins the race.

Friday's monitoring showed 9 follicles bigger than 10. I know thats a good number but was disappointed that it went from 15 to 9 in two days. Really it just says that the smaller ones are still there but just aren't going to catch up to the others before retrieval. Loved the u/s tech today,Tamara. E2 was 1725 (rising is a good thing!)  Here is the list of the 9 growing follies:

L: five 13.5,12.5,12,11.5,10.5
R:four 14,12.5,11.5,11
Its hard to wrap my head around the fact that one of these little follicles could be an embryo by next week.....trying to stay in the moment and take one thing at a time. I get freaked out and panicky with what ifs....if i go there. I just can't.

Its been helpful that my best friend/person was here for the past 3 days to keep me distracted with shopping and eating :) Yes, Beans, we tried the Naked Pizza ...OMG!! Fabulous.

Back in Boulder and really tired. Perhaps that was the shopping or maybe the meds. Time to chill on the sofa and see what tomorrow brings.

Colorado is on Fire....and its heading this way.

Landing in Denver you could barely the mountains in the distant, one of my favorite parts of flying into this region. However, the  fires in Colorado Springs and Fort Collins have caused the air quality to diminish and the area to just look very grey.  As usual the turbulence was bad but I quickly moved on to getting my luggage and rental car to head west to Boulder.

The rest is a bit of a blur and I will give you the abbreviated version: After landing, i spoke to a few folks who updated me on the most recent fire, one burning on the Southern end of the Flagstaff Mountains of Boulder. As I started my drive towards Boulder, the traffic was horrendous and the winds were almost 60 miles an hour. I called my sister to google some info while stuck in traffic. At this point, I started to panic, very aware of being in Boulder alone and not quite sure how close the fires actually were to my aunts house. Also, very aware I needed to get my meds refrigerated and give myself my 7 pm shot. I panicked. As I drove around while my sister searched for any hotel rooms, I proceeded to give myself my Lupron and Follistim injections in the parking lot of a Home Depot in Aurora Colorado.

The next 2 hours were filled with a lot of driving, swerving due to high winds, two hysterical breakdowns, a smoke storm that left me at a stand still in the middle of Highway 70 and evenutually landed me back in Boulder. Gotta love hormones.

I finally calmed down and setttled into my aunts home, made a bowl of oatmeal and read the Boulder website for Emergency Management. Great bedtime reading huh??

Luckily, I just need to make it to the morning to pick up my best friend at the airport and have my day 5 ultrasound monitoring.

Dreaming of big follicles and rain clouds. Hoping that one day this will be an amazing story to tell my child about the week before she was conceived {like the reference to a girl?}

Airport

Well, got to the airport 2 hours before scheduled flight to make sure that I didn't have any issues with the meds. Luckily, my dad dropped me off and I didn't have to deal with remote parking. These bags are heavy. It was a bit odd saying goodbye to my dad (in my head at least). Never thought my dad would be dropping me at the airport to fly to another state to make a baby. Ahh, I am sure he was thinking the same thing. Either way, he has been 100% supportive without being too invasive.

I had no issue going through secruity. None. Took all my meds out and about 50 needles. One big frozen lunch bag with my follistim and lupron which were cold. Nada. So, should I be worried or thankful I didn't have any issues. Perhaps because they were small vials of liquids it wasn't an issue. Had my letter from CCRM all ready. So, no exitement. Except here is something you don't see in an airport everyday. Thought I would share (assuming it was a seeing eye pony....)

Will update everyone when I land in the great burning state of Colorado. As of now, my flight is 10 minutes delayed due to air traffic. Just hoping to land before 6 pm, so i don't have to do my injection at a Wawa on the way to Boulder!

Menopur Mishap

Well, I am sure others have had mishaps....mine appeared on day 4!

Went to mix my first vial of menopur with the liquid dilutant with my q cap and sadly had some spill out ...CRAP.

What to do so, I just stopped and did my Lupron. Back to the missing menopur. Called my girlfriend/IVF expert/nurse...she didn't answer. Called CCRM emergency line (missing drugs sounds emergent to me). Person answering the line said to call back in 5 mins when the office opens. HUH? Then she checked herself and said let me see if I can get someone. Finally, "Molly" answers and after some back and forth with the nurse said if it wasn't more than half that was lost to use it. Hmmm. What if IVF failed I would always wonder if it was because I missing medicine. Still standing at the kitchen counter staring at my 2nd vial and syringe filled with "some menopur" I mixed and just stared at the final amount of the liquid in the syringe. I could feel the anxiety in my body and tightness in my chest.

Girlfriend called me back and said if I was going to worry to just start over....glad she knows me! Said she lost a whole vial once. Enough said....started over. Mixing went better this time and injection done. As I pushed the medicine into my belly, it was difficult as usual, so I pushed a bit harder....the rest went in quickly and I heard a "squirt" sound INSIDE my belly. Oh goodness this process is going to be long. At least 8 more days of this process.

Pissed at myself as I am now a day short but will just order more. Can't worry about it right? Good thing insurance covers those suckers....for some it's liquid gold.

At least I know all the menopur is running to my ovaries.

Breathe.

Day 3 ...Stim Day!!

Today is the official day that I start trying to wake up my ovaries. Quite appropriate that I was wide awake at 7 am to start my first day of my two week vacation. So, much for sleeping in anymore. I kept going over the process in my head on how to prepare my menopur for injection. Kinda like I do when I have a big work meeting or something. I was just happy that my 8-10 Comcast scheduled visit for once showed up as late as possible.

So, the prep work and the actual injection was pretty uneventful. Was waiting for this big burn or pain (as some women have described this injection as more painful) Clearly, I have lots of belly fat to ease the pain and it went in just fine just a bit harder to push the syringe since the liquid was a bit more viscious. Still had to do my Lupron shot (to prevent these little eggies from ovulating). Took the suggestion of another SMC, to prepare the Menopur and then do the Lupron shot which allows the Menopur shot to settle causing less sting. Maybe thats why it wasn't so bad (or its all in my head!)

Lets hope its all in my ovaries and those eggs are sucking down the menopur like it was drinking a dirty martini. Thought I would share a picture for posterity of what my little lab experiment looks like from now until retrieval day.



Menopur and Lupron Love



I missed my therapy session yesterday to finish up at work so I guess this blog is going to have to serve as my therapuetic avenue for the next two weeks. I really wanted to walk today but the weather channel is stating is HOT. Just feel like I am a big blob of hormones just sitting around doing not much more than cleaning, packing and still waiting for the cable guy to fix my cable (one hour and counting). Need to run some errands for those last minute items. 

Maybe, I will search for things to do in Wyoming.....too much time is not a good thing for me. Causes my mind to wander to the what ifs and the anxieties of this process. Better go find something to do quickly....might be hearing from me sooner than ya think.

Shot 1 of.....

....at least 44 before I get to my tentative retrieval date of July 4th. Thus far, my Lupron shots are pretty non-existent but I can see how these can get old as you add them up!

Decided to start them at 9 am and 9 pm so when I fly to Colorado and I quickly convert to 7 am and 7 pm (thanks to my person for helping me do the math). Had to do my first shot at work this morning because I had a meeting. Thank goodness I have a lock on my door and was able to try out my new "pack-it" lunch bag. You freeze the actual bag and it keeps all my meds cold..so excited about that purchase...I digress.

I am not new to injectibles as I had one round of them during my last IUI cycle. Clearly, not as many drugs as with IVF but at least I had needle practice. Luckily, my childhood best friend came over on Tuesday night and walked me through all my injections. Unfortunately, she has also had to go through IVF and has experience with the different types of protocols. We joked we should write a book about our journey. I must admit it sounds enticing to covert my blog into a book about my experience.

Two years ago my cousin who works for a cable company offered to make a documentary about my process. I considered it for a few days but after three miscarriages I am glad that's not the route I decided. Not sure I could've done it. However, I do agree that "documenting" my journey either in a blog or book is cathartic and helps me process things on those difficult days. It would be nice to imagine that my story could help someone else or inspire them not to give up (although my journey isn't over just yet)

Note to self and I will tuck that into my bucket list in my mind. Well, one more day of work that will be jammed packed crazy before my 2 week trip. Working really hard to look at this trip to Colorado as a "vacation". Doesn't hurt that this is the story I am telling work folk. Road trip to Wyoming and Northern Colorado. Sounds wonderful right? Yup, just a mini getaway with a few doctors appointments, acupuncture and a genetic counseling class thrown in for yucks!!

Off to sleep, if the steroids that I also start tonight doesn't kick start the insomnia symptoms. Will try my sleep music tonight for certain.

Night my sweet ovaries....see ya 9 am sharp!

You want to needle WHERE??

I have been going to acupuncture for almost 18 months and amazingly its always scheduled just when my emotional spirit desperately needs it. Today was one of those days. As you saw on my earlier post, I had a mini-melt down and had that feeling that the tears weren't going to subside easily.

Off to visit Cricket, my acupuncturist who has been on this crazy ride with me and who I have posted about before. The tears continued to fall as I told her where I was today and she took them all in stride as usual. She had a very good talk with my consulting CCRM acupuncturist,T, who will treat me with electro-stim when in Denver. Cricket is a Five Elements practitioner so she views things a little different than a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner. Which is fine by me as I connect with her and also felt a good connection with T, over the phone. Cricket told me more about their conversation of the electro-stim theory and which points are used during treatment. CCRM really recommends this procedure to increase blood flow to the uterus.

So, with that information and knowing I was struggling emotionally today. Cricket suggested specific points to truly build blood in my uterus and then she would work on my "constitution".

Ah. CVG 1. I recall that point. How can one forget it. It's on the perineum. You don't forget that point. It's the conception vessel and is truly connected to birth (literally)

Why not.

It's actually very respectful and not any worse than say a point on the big toe (in fact, there is a point on my pinky which is ultimately the WORST point). I survived the CVG 1. Breathe. Imagining my whole uterus filling up with blood and was in a completely calm state. Of course, she says, repeat! OY. Repeat and then on to my chin point, tailbone and frenulum (this felt totally odd).

Time for some meditation and my constitution points. I was so calm and in fact, in such a good place, the drive home, made me feel like I was floating in a tunnel. Who would've thought my body needed acupuncture today. I usually can go about two weeks and then I need a treatment.

Much calmer, despite the Blue Angels airplanes flying over my house, and am constantly amazed by my body and what I will do to make it a warm home for my baby.

Now, off to pamper my toes.

Flag Day

Flag day represents the birth of our nations stars and stripes in 1777, 235 years ago. For me, this day represents several things some happy and some that pull at my heart strings.

As my birthday, it was almost always the last day of school and the start of summer vacation. I recall either not having to go to school or only having a half day filled with flag parades and cupcakes (decorated in red, white and blue). To keep with that tradition, as an adult, I always honor myself and take the day off from work. Can't recall the last time, I worked on my birthday. For years, I loved celebrating my birthday. Celebrating ME!

Last year, I celebrated my 40th birthday with the most amazing present of a positive home pregnancy test. I was pregnant again, after months of trying and experiencing my first miscarriage months earlier. Sadly, that pregnancy was not meant to be and I miscarried my sweet boy at only 7 weeks.

These days, I still take my birthday off but the feeling is a lot less celebratory. It's too hard for me to "celebrate" and although I woke up in a pretty decent mood, the tears are flowing today (and the injections haven't even started). It's another birthday (3 to be exact) that I am not a mom,still on that journey to have a healthy pregnancy and celebrating others births and not my own.

It took a while to determine what to do today. Acupuncture (thank goodness) was already on my calendar but I was indecisive about what else to do. Finally, scheduled a pedicure at the new Four Seasons Baltimore even though spending money at this time makes me cringe. A little pampering is good for my over health right?

A text message from a friend that she was off to the hospital to deliver a few weeks early made me smile. I think it was the question from my mother that made the tears flow (after I hung up of course!) "Did you hear, Joe Flacco's wife is in labor? (for you none football fans, he is the Ravens quarterback who also went to Delaware) Wouldn't that be great if she had her baby on your Bday?"

Sure.

Sorry, I am sure they are happy in their family but I would rather not celebrate strangers having babies. Another reminder, on this birthday that I am not s mom. I will do my nest to keep it together during my pedicure but I am sure I will lose it once I see cricket at acupuncture.

Better get myself looking somewhat presentable.... Happy Birthday, Stars and Stripes!!

Fragility of Life

Friday morning, I awoke feeling extremely anxious. I couldnt shake it and I doubt it was the birth control pills I was about to start taking for 3 weeks. Perhaps, It was the universe preparing me for what was to come. All weekemd I have been reminded how fragile our lives really are by the universe (not that I needed the reminder).

Over the past 2 years (well, July 3rd will be 2 years), I have known how difficult it is to create and sustain life. I think some take this for granted...thinking pregnancy will be easy and happen quickly. For some this is the case as so many pieces can go wrong at any juncture. It's amazing to think that Baltimore City alone has 9,000 births a year...wonder how many pregnancies actually never make it to that statistic?

Anyway, over the past few days, it's been weighing on my mind how fragile our life really is....BP struggled with the possibility of losing a family member (which thankfully, he did not), a colleague buried her husband after only 7 weeks of a diagnosis of cancer and I learned that three more women in my SMC family lost their beautiful babies.

All of these situations impacted me and weighed heavy on my heart. Obviously, some more than others due to my connections to those struggling. As I had trouble sleeping last night, I thought about how things can change in an instant and we have no control over (Ahhh, that damn word control again).

Today, I spent the afternoon with my mom not something I have been doing a lot lately. I asked her to teach me how to make my grandmothers "kamish" cookies. My grandmother has been making these biscotti-like cookies since I can remember and my mom took over when she could no longer do so. To me, they are a staple of holidays, family gatherings, gifts for new neighbors, treats to bring to friends and my childhood. I can't recall a time of going to my grandmothers in PA and she hadn't prepared a tin filled with these crumbly cookies (as well as chocolate chip cookies and chocolate pudding). It was time to learn how to make them. I need to pass on the recipe and continue to share these sweet treats with others. As my mom, taught me the requirements of only mixing it with a wooden spoon and slicing them while still hot, I was reminded again that soon my mom will not be around to make them. In fact, she hasn't made them in months because it's too hard for her to stand that long to make them (easy but definitely a process). I am grateful I had this time to learn from home and I think she really enjoyed sharing this time with me.

I must say I was impressed with my first batch and think I can only improve on the process. I can't wait to teach my daughter (or son) the family recipes (which was really taken from a neighbor of my grandmother named Ruth Ann) Tonight, as I snuck a few treats, I read about 3 more losses experienced by 3 other Single Mothers by Choice. The pain in their emails sharing their stories made my heart ache. I hurt for the pain they were experiencing like I had in the past. It reminded me of the emptiness of losing a baby. The fragility of life.

It has to get easier right?? Not really sure where this one is going but just seemed like their were way to many reminders in a 48 hour period. The anxiety has subsided slightly and tomorrow will be a new day, hopefully, a new mom is smiling down on her sweet newborn.