Fragility of Life

Friday morning, I awoke feeling extremely anxious. I couldnt shake it and I doubt it was the birth control pills I was about to start taking for 3 weeks. Perhaps, It was the universe preparing me for what was to come. All weekemd I have been reminded how fragile our lives really are by the universe (not that I needed the reminder).

Over the past 2 years (well, July 3rd will be 2 years), I have known how difficult it is to create and sustain life. I think some take this for granted...thinking pregnancy will be easy and happen quickly. For some this is the case as so many pieces can go wrong at any juncture. It's amazing to think that Baltimore City alone has 9,000 births a year...wonder how many pregnancies actually never make it to that statistic?

Anyway, over the past few days, it's been weighing on my mind how fragile our life really is....BP struggled with the possibility of losing a family member (which thankfully, he did not), a colleague buried her husband after only 7 weeks of a diagnosis of cancer and I learned that three more women in my SMC family lost their beautiful babies.

All of these situations impacted me and weighed heavy on my heart. Obviously, some more than others due to my connections to those struggling. As I had trouble sleeping last night, I thought about how things can change in an instant and we have no control over (Ahhh, that damn word control again).

Today, I spent the afternoon with my mom not something I have been doing a lot lately. I asked her to teach me how to make my grandmothers "kamish" cookies. My grandmother has been making these biscotti-like cookies since I can remember and my mom took over when she could no longer do so. To me, they are a staple of holidays, family gatherings, gifts for new neighbors, treats to bring to friends and my childhood. I can't recall a time of going to my grandmothers in PA and she hadn't prepared a tin filled with these crumbly cookies (as well as chocolate chip cookies and chocolate pudding). It was time to learn how to make them. I need to pass on the recipe and continue to share these sweet treats with others. As my mom, taught me the requirements of only mixing it with a wooden spoon and slicing them while still hot, I was reminded again that soon my mom will not be around to make them. In fact, she hasn't made them in months because it's too hard for her to stand that long to make them (easy but definitely a process). I am grateful I had this time to learn from home and I think she really enjoyed sharing this time with me.

I must say I was impressed with my first batch and think I can only improve on the process. I can't wait to teach my daughter (or son) the family recipes (which was really taken from a neighbor of my grandmother named Ruth Ann) Tonight, as I snuck a few treats, I read about 3 more losses experienced by 3 other Single Mothers by Choice. The pain in their emails sharing their stories made my heart ache. I hurt for the pain they were experiencing like I had in the past. It reminded me of the emptiness of losing a baby. The fragility of life.

It has to get easier right?? Not really sure where this one is going but just seemed like their were way to many reminders in a 48 hour period. The anxiety has subsided slightly and tomorrow will be a new day, hopefully, a new mom is smiling down on her sweet newborn.