8 weeks and chips

Today is officially 8 weeks. My little BB is the size of a raspberry and apparently has ear buds and arms/legs and webbed fingers and toes. Crazy to think that this is growing inside if me.

I must admit I have been feeling pretty good overall (which still scares me). I do have indigestion often and the excessive saliva shows up off and on.  Really can't complain as I haven't had any exhaustion. I don't really have an appetite for anything but have been eating lots of carbs. Chips. Lots of chips. It really helps the saliva and indigestion if only temporarily.

Three more days until I get to hear BB's heartbeat again. I have had major anxiety that it won't be there this time.. I know it's an irrational fear but I have to acknowledge the fear regardless. Work has been a distraction but I must admit I am glad I have the whole week off.  I had a large amount of PTO that I would lose so it just so happens that I scheduled this week. Will try to stay busy with errands, lunch with my 98 year old grandma and Bday breakfast with a good friend.

If I am lucky enough to hear the miracle heartbeat again, I will have 5 more weeks till the end of the first trimester. Basically, getting through October. Each day is a step longer than before. So for today, it's 8 weeks with my BB.

Beat little BB. Beat.

Saliva

Perhaps I spoke to soon on the non-existent symptoms that started pretty much exactly at 7 weeks!!

Saliva and lots of it. Gross. I guess its the underlying queasiness that's barely there that's causing it. It's very apparent in the mornings right after I eat breakfast. This minor feeling of queasiness/nausea but not enough to feel like I might be sick. With that feeling, I have an abundance of saliva. So far, its been handled by drinking lemonade type drinks, eating (which helps for the moment) and chewing gum.

Can't say that I am not excited about the symptoms. No complaining from this pregnant momma. When I emailed my OB to inform him of the latest and greatest here is his response: "Excellent!!" I guess nausea symptoms, even if slight are a good sign.

Something else that's new for this pregnancy.

Seven

One more week down. It doesn't seem so big to others but seven weeks is a milestone for me. Different than the other pregnancies. The last two pregnancies I was preparing for a D/C at this time.

Still blow my mind that my baby is growing inside me, I guess because it's so small that I really can't feel anything, Still feeling good. Maybe some mild bloating and queasiness if I don't eat. Again, nothing that is "OMG, I am so sick I am pregnant"

Last night I watched the cheesy movie, What to expect when your expecting, with J. Lo and Cameron Diaz. One of the characters was pregnant with twins and felt fabulous the whole pregnancy and delivered them both with a sneeze!! Made me laugh. I doubt that the fabulous feeling will continue much longer.

I also wonder because I have been taking extra B6 for months if it's keeping nausea at bay?? Guess we will find out soon enough.

Now I need to figure out how to just go about my day and not constantly be wondering what's going on IN there.

Week by week. Day by Day.

Next stop 8 weeks.

Loud and Clear!

It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. About 112 bpm. That little flicker that i have waited two years to see. It was there. My cousin, N was with me as my witness. You could see the flicker of the heart. Back and Forth. I thought for sure I was going to start crying but I just kept watching.

The tech measured. 6 weeks 5 days exactly from crown to rump.

My rainbow baby is in there. The tech asked if I knew my due date when I first laid down. No, I was waiting to hear the heart beat I told her. The first u/s was an abdominal one and she found it right away. Well here it is.

After she finished the transvaginal one so she could measure the things more accurately, she figured i was due on May 12th. May 12th, is that mother's day? A quick google search and it sure was Mother's Day.

A few logistics and I was sent along my way with a huge congratulations and 2 follow up appointments. The next one is October 3rd. October 3rd,ironically, is the day we call "Will Gotcha Day"--- they day we finally met my nephew only 2 weeks old.

She gave me the photo above to take with me (which is securely in my purse!). A quick call to my mom and I started to cry on the street. It was beautiful. A few text messages later and a call from my dad. More tears.

The dream is coming true. One step closer to holding my rainbow baby.

Today was a good day.

By the way, that cheerio looking thing is not his head but the yolk sac. BB is between the 2 arrows.

My Village does it again.

My village has definitely been wrapping their arms around me today.

After another frustrating discussion with the lab manager at the local hospital and lab results that were "faxed" but never received, I decided to call my local RE office back to see if they would reconsider and submit to my insurance. Since I am a considered a satellite patient, they had me paying out of pocket per blood test. Which resulted in about 220 bucks weekly and I just couldn't afford that for the next 7 weeks.

I spoke with the financial supervisor, MA, and she said let me ask Dr. P and see what he says. About 30 mins later she called me back and said he agreed to do it. "Its all in the way you ask" she responded. Elated, I knew I only had to get through this weeks lab results. Of course, they still hadn't be received by CCRM and the lab manager who I had been emailing directly said she faxed them this morning at 730 am.

Around 11, I received an email from my OB (another village member and perhaps the chief!) who pulled my lab results. 16.9 for progesterone (that sucker went up!) and 714 for E2 which also went up.

The sun is shining on me today and i think i might have found my zen. A call from Tonie at CCRM said everything looked great. Same protocol and we will wait to hear the positive news from my u/s tomorrow.

Told her I was so nervous as I have never really seen or heard a true heartbeat. The only time I was able to squeak out a heartbeat was my first pregnancy in this process. My same OB was able to detect a slight fetal heartbeat but they weren't sure if it was really just mine. Needless to say its never been a positive experience.

Tomorrow will be different. I have asked my cousin, N to accompany me tomorrow to my u/s. He agreed and I am glad he will be there. He has been very supportive of this process from the beginning. Being more in background but told me loves me unconditionally. He is the cousin who lent me his beach house after one of my miscarriages.

This time tomorrow I will have new information. New perspective. And a little more Hope.

(still not feeling pregnant)

Maybe tomorrow will change that......

Whew...

Just a quick update that my after a panicky last week progesterone report (for me not my docs), I requested a repeat order for Monday to ease my fears. CCRM is very respectful and complied. I went back to old RE office for a quick blood work turnaround and to get some support from my favorite nurse, A.

Progesterone popped back up to 13.5. Whew. So, happy to hear that higher number. I can tell when my number is high as my boobs feel heavier and my nipples are sore. Crazy how in tune I am with my body. Trying to conceive for over 2 years, with three pregnancies will do that to ya!!

Nurse A also said that although you can see a heartbeat after 6 weeks that 6weeks 3 days may be too early and not too freak out. She said by 6 weeks 5 its usually pretty certain you will see one. So as not to drive myself insane, I moved my u/s to Friday which will be 6w5d. Unfortunately, my OB doesn't work that day but I am sure he can access my report.


So, here we go to just get through the week. Grow little Cheerio. Beat little heartbeat.

SIX

Today my little BB is six weeks. Still isn't causing any havoc on my body just yet. Have been trying to remain calm about that since CCRM is not concerned.

Will have an early progesterone blood check on Monday at my old REs office which will be turned around very quickly. Will need to identify a lab that will turn around the levels next day since I can't continue to pay out of pocket. It's silly. Will figure that out this week, waiting to head back from PCP office.

Six weeks has a lot of meaning to me. Medically, it's the week when you should be able to see the developing embryo and the heartbeat. Historically, for me it's when things go south. I know my BB is  chromosomally healthy. I need to be patient to see his beating heart. My ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday is 6w3days.....may be a bit early but I know I have the best medical support and docs working with me.

One of my closests friends since childhood is also trying to have a baby. Her and her husband have been trying about 6 months longer than I have been. It's been a long process for both of us. Never thought we would be in this scenario at the same time in our lives. Yesterday, they got some positive news within their process. In sharing the feedback with me, she said if all goes as planned our kids will grow up together. I lost it. I started crying and thinking about this statement today made me start crying all over again.

It would be a wonderful to have my child grow up with my best friends kids. Another close friend is also attempting to have a baby. Although she has only been trying for a few months, I am excited about the possibility of our future kids being so close!

As elated as this makes me, it still brings up those feelings of nervousness. BP asked me today how far I had gone in my previous pregnancies. They all went to 7 weeks except one went to 10 weeks. I have never had a positive strong all things look great heartbeat. Most u/s end up with me being super sad and waiting one more week to confirm the worst.

BB will be different. It has to be different. I guess I will find out soon enough. Worry and anxiety won't change the outcome. Nothing will. I have done everything I can possible do to have a healthy baby.

And we wait.

9....

Progesterone dropped from 11 to 9. Which in my mind is a bad thing. I know this fluctuates but to me its a bad sign. To me its when my pregnancies went south (just like my levels)

Waiting for CCRM to call me back after a long fight with the damn lab that has no concept of what STAT means.

Headed to the pharmacy to pick up more prenatal vitamins. Although I really want to go home and shove about 10 prometriums up my hooha to get that level up.....

Will let you know what CCRM says.


UPDATE: CCRM finally called back. Seemed I was much more worried than they were with my lab levels....which the lab never faxed!!,

They recognized my concern with the drop in levels and said that they always fluctuate ( have heard that explanation before). They were content with 9. However, they agreed that if my level dropped to 7 they would switch me to injections. I told the I had to be proactive and not just "wait" until it drops. They didn't feel like I had to do anything different at this point. Also, agreed to send me for a repeat test on Monday instead of waiting until Wednesday.

Amy was very sympathic and listened to my concerns.(poor nurse!!)

I need to trust CCRM and recognize they know what they are doing. I just don't understand why a level of progesterone for IVF vs IUI/natural pregnancy would be different. It's not logical to me.

Blood work...and.....

I really do have the BEST OB!! Today was supposed to be Bloodwork check only but he offered an ultrasound to confirm embryo is in uterus. He knows me too well. Recognizing how scared I am...that hings aren't progressing or something is going to go wrong.

I am told this one is different because BB is healthy. It feels the same. Sore boobs that have decreased over time. Not tired. No nausea. Feels exactly the same. I must accept those feelings. Others must recognize the fear. It's real. It's always with me.

Off for bloodwork...I was first at the lab!!

UPDATE: saw my little Cheerio.....he/she is in my uterus! All looked good for being so early. Back next week for more measuring, HCG was over 5000 and estrogen 370 (needs to be above 300). Waiting (not so patiently on progesterone which had to be sent out). CCRM wasn't worried about the lack of symptoms. Hoping the progesteone call isn't as late as the one yesterday @ 5 pm!!

Anxious

Woke up this morning feeling anxious. Maybe it's because I rolled over and my boobs weren't as sore as yesterday. Maybe its the unknown of what is actually happening. Maybe its no other symptoms were really appearing and staying. Yesterday, I had some slight queasiness but by noon it was gone and it was very slight. Was it all just in my head.

The questions that constantly race through my mind.....what's my progesterone level? Did it drop below six? Is my beta increasing? Why do I feel so good when other newly pregnant women are tired and bloated?

I took today off not because of 9/11 but because I knew I would be tired after Monday Night Football game at Ravens Stadium. Days off are always hard for me. More time to think, lay in bed and just have questions race through my mind. I do have a hair appointment later today (where I am not going to let her color my hair this time.....) and a condo meeting plus a few errands.

Tomorrow is blood work in the morning. Maybe it's the anxiety if getting those numbers back. The wait. The infamous waiting.

Maybe I will go pee on a stick just to see the words again. I turned on soundscapes on my tv to help calm the environment and fill the anxiety space in my mind with calming music.

It is that feeling that goes from your heart deep inside that radiates throughout ones body. I hate it. I wish there was a button to turn it off. I haven't had this feeling in a while. The feeling that something bad is going to happen. This process of IVF/FET has been pretty smooth. No major bumps. Hey, I got pregnant which is HUGE.

I have been here before. Trying so hard to tell myself this time is different. BB is healthy. It's so hard. 5-6 weeks is always when I get the "bad news".  I want so much to be deeply wrong. Deep within my soul. BB is just the size of a poppy seed but I love her/him so much already. Will we ever meet??

Exhale.

5 weeks

Tick tock....tick tock.....that's how slowly time feels like its moving. I am not surprised and didn't expect it to be moving any faster. Weekends are always long (which normally I yearn for but not these days)

Not much to report. Still no major symptoms. Breasts are heavy but don't have that "omg please don't hug me" feeling anymore. Trying really hard to continually drink water which means lots of bathroom trips. I have gone through some serious TP recently. No nausea. No exhaustion. Went to the grocery store today and the smell of roasted chicken was a bit overwhelming. Was that an increased sense of smell or just my intense disgust of chicken???

Was happy to be able to share my final follistim vial with another SMC who doesn't have any insurance coverage and is doing an injectible cycle. Happy to share my covered mediation but definitely made me think. I was accepting the fact (or trying to) that I won't need any more stim meds in the future. Or maybe that was me trying to move forward. To trust things and take baby steps to get excited about his pregnancy.

Ordered more prenatal vitamins and bought stock in pantiliners thanks to progesterone 3 times a day. Even if one wanted to attempt to take a mental break from this process, progesteone suppositories makes certain that doesn't happen.

I am focusing on today. The start of foootball season. The day that hopefully the Orioles make it to first place in the AL. The break in summer humidity. Today.

Of course, that pending blood test on Wednesday is in the back of my mind. And even closer in my mind is the pending infamous first ultrasound. Makes my heart race when I start to think about it too much.

10 days. 10 one day at a time days.

Thank goodness for football!!

4 weeks 3 days

"Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about" --Winston Churchill

It's definitely been a long few days and it wouldn't be one of my pregnancies without the emotional roller coaster. I need to recognize that this might be my norm.

My levels are progressing as they should be. Beta went from 103 to 280 in 48 hours (should double!) progesterone fluctuates from 11 to 14 and apparently is normal. Estrogen over 400 as it should be. Last night I was freaked out by spotting (not red blood) and some cramping....to me, this means one thing....miscarriage. I was a mess. Slept very little until it was time to go get my 2nd beta.

As usually, my local nurse, Audrey was supportive and said it was common and not to be concerned. Even told me to call at 1030 and she would give me an update so I didn't have to wait for the CCRM call. Whew. That helped.

CCRM called and again said it was very common (see how I keep asking) ...said my numbers looked great and that the spotting was from the progesterone irritating the uterine lining. Said cramping was from lack of water and to stay hydrated. Got it. Then I got instructions for weekly blood work (no more betas unless nessasary), u/s at 6.5 and 8.5 and they will monitor me until 13 weeks. Ahh. I can't think that far. Reordered more patches and progesterone (and even this scared me....the thought of having all these meds and something going wrong....freaks me out)

I also got a comgratulations letter outlining all the info...and of course, reemphasizing spotting is normal (this woulda been helpful yesterday!)

The best part of the day (besides Baltimore Raven Ray Rice coming to our work) was my phone call from sweet dr. surrey. To congratulate me...."his favorite type of phone call" he said. Of course, I asked....did you expect me not to? Spotting is normal and just take it easy. Ultrasound in 2.5 weeks. I thanked him for being so wonderful and compassionate. I am sure I will tell him more...when .....

Someone asked me my due date and I don't want to know. Too far away. I don't want to know until I at least see the heartbeat. Lots of time....

....so, I take each day as it comes. Hoping that my rainbow baby is snuggled in for the long haul. Still not ready to tell the world or get too excited.

I love you already, BB.

Labor Day......

Not much more to say than ....OMG. My beta came back at 103. So, i am back tomorrow for another beta to confirm its rising appropriately.

Really?

I can't believe and obviously am VERY cautious. I am overwhelmed with emotions. More later.