Thelma

Sometimes signs of our village are where you least expect them. That's definitely the case while relaxing and shopping in beautiful sunny Atlanta.

I was standing in line at a local Ross store (which was a really nice one by the way) and two gentleman started a conversation with this sweet lady behind me, Thelma. She was 84 years young and you could feel her spirit in the way she spoke and stood. Thelma told us about how she was married to her high school sweetheart for over 26 years. She went on to tell us she married her 2nd husband (smirking that she courted him while still married) and they have been married over 25 years. Her sweet smile, barely wrinkled cocoa skin and short white hair were her physical traits that first greeted you. However, her general presence just gave me a sense of calm.

Clearly, the check out person was taking a long time because we continued to learn more about her. At one point, Thelma leans over to me, places her hand on my arm, and says with a sweet smile, "make sure you teach your children to be independent"

Chills. I just had chills when she said this to me and didn't fully comprehend it until I was telling BP about it in the car. Why would she tell me this? Where did it come from? Or was it the universe giving me a sign that it would be ok and I would meet my baby soon?

Moving onto IVF has been on my mind a lot lately, probably partly due to the cost, the unknown and the complete loss of control. For anyone that truly knows me they know, I need to feel in control. Professionally, this need to control things has mostly helped me advance in my career. However, over the past year, it's something that I have been examining within myself. Dealing with infertility, has required me to work on this internal need to control things. Infertility and the process that goes along with trying to overcome it, forces you to give up control. Control of ones body. Control of manipulating the process of conception. Control of wanting something so deeply.

These days, I focus on the things that "are in my control". How I spend my weekends and free time. How I spend my money outside of fertility. Where I go for fertility treatments. Not working on my days off. Trying to find the meaning in certain things.

Thelma was one of those things. I was meant to meet her. Her smile was telling me it's going to all be ok and her words, although she had no idea, were meant to comfort me.

Thank you, Thelma.

150 bucks

That's the total cost I need to pay for my injectible medications for IVF cycle #1. Amazed. Surprised and totally freaking excited. Having absolutely no coverage for IVF itself, the money I will be saving will certainly go to good use elsewhere. Probably saved almost 6000 or 7000 dollars!! Not to worry it will all go to the procedure cost.

It's so unfortunate that with such comprehensive health care coverage under the state of Maryland, it does not believe they should allow single women to procreate via IVF. They clearly struggle with the fact that single women who have trouble conceiving via IUIs (which also aren't covered) should be allowed to try IVF. No coverage unless married and using husbands sperm!

INFURIATING!!!!

So, I take the small triumphs where I can get them. Excited when the woman from Alexanders Pharmacy in NJ called to tell me that 3 weeks worth of meds including Follistim, Menopur, Estrogen Patches and Trigger shots were covered and I only had a 140 dollars for my copay!!

Can you say happy dance??

Medications being shipped next week!!

Independence Day

Today was the regroup with Dr. S to learn his thoughts on my bloodwork, ultrasound, and hysteroscopy. He did have some concerns on my hormone levels...not awful just a bit high and typical of a 40 year old woman. What he did say was that he decided on a protocol for me. Not that it means anything to most but its Microdose Flare Protocol (how can it be bad with the word flare in it??) and I could talk to the nurse about specifics related to the protocol. This made me feel like I had a good chance of a positive outcome. At least, thats how I took it.

The day was filled with phone calls to the nurse, pharmacy and acupuncturist in between work meetings (in sweltering 85 degrees due to no A/C at work)

When I spoke to my nurse, Tonie, she sounded excited (maybe thats how she always sounds but it made me feel like she was glad I was moving forward) She said based on my cycle last month and when you should have a period, I have a tenative date for your retrieval on ....July 4th! Independence Day!! Of course, this is all tenative but the fact that its on the "birthday" of our nation had me all excited.

I was also reminded by a good friend that July 3, 2010 was my very first RE appt so it will be 2 years almost to the day of starting this journey. It doesn't really feel like two years but then again it seems like things have dragged on forever.  July 3rd is also a special day in my heart as its BP's birthday (I am sensing a theme here). So, I would be elated if retrieval happened one day sooner but will go with the flow.

I am excited to have a plan. I am a planner. I know I can't control this process and that the plan may be tweaked but I am not waiting to figure out next steps. I am moving forward. I got my calendar from Tonie and a list of all the meds that I will need and one of the pharmacies already called to start the process. I spoke with an acupuncturist in Denver who works with CCRM and we spoke about electro stim acupuncture, which was recommended to me by Dr. S. I am hoping to schedule a few sesssions while in CO.  I felt like I connected with her and that's really important to me.

I also was able to put in for my 2 weeks off at work and for those that know me well, I don't normally take off that much time off. I don't need to be in Denver a full 2 weeks but it might be just what I need. Plus, I am staying at my aunts in Boulder.

It was a very good day.

My heart goes out to one of my SMC friends who didn't have such a good day but I know she will be back on the road to chasing her own rainbow baby soon.

Not Just Another Sunday

Usually I cherish my Sundays, especially now that the farmers market is open for business, but honestly I dread Mothers Day. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and appreciate the idea of thanking her for raising me to be an independent, professional woman.

The last 22 months have been the longest time of my life. The roller coaster process of trying to conceive has taken its toll on my psyche. Work allows me the opportunity to push that stressors of this process aside and focus on helping others. The craziness of health care reform has been a welcome break from the constant thoughts of pregnancy.

This one day, Mothers Day, just screams that I am not one. Reminders of the four babies that I have lost and the long road ahead of me. The reminder started on Friday as I was leaving work and the very pleasant (meaning no harm) security guard wishes me and a coworker a happy mother's day, "if it applies". I couldn't even respond as my stomach just sank. The email today from my local mothers group wishing all the mothers a happy mothers day (this shocked me the most as you would think SMC would be the most sensitive to those still trying)

Tomorrow we will go to brunch to celebrate my mom and sister (and eventually go see my 98 year old grandma!) I will spend the day smiling and pretending that I am enjoying time with my family. I do love my family and they have been extremely supportive during this entire process (I recognize how lucky I am to have that support). However, inside my heart will be sad. Sad that I am still not a mother. Sad that my four angels are watching over me. Sad that I won't be a mom in 2012. Sad every time I hear those words.

So, I will dig deep inside to not be selfish tomorrow and treat my mom to a wonderful day filled with laughter and love. She deserves it.

I know that I deserve that happiness and that internal glow that comes when you look at your child when someone wishes you a happy mothers day. You never know what someone is going through so step lightly when wishing strangers a Happy Mothers Day.

One Day....

Day 3

Who would think this one day would be so important....Day 3! Three days from the start of my cycle and I am gearing up for labwork tomorrow. Three blood tests on day three. I guess three is the magic number. These simple blood tests; estrogen,FSH and LH will help the docs @ CCRM decide what is the best IVF protocol for my body.

Up until today, I have felt pretty calm and not really focused on the blood work up. I have been distracted with work, getting healthier by watching what I ate and tried to exercise more. In the beginning of the week, I was struck with a horrible pulled shoulder/neck muscle. I still believe it was bad timing and not really stress induced as I woke up with it on Tuesday.

I must admit, I didn't feel relief until Cricket worked her acupuncture magic. An hour or so later and smelling like tiger balm (which I actually liked), I was considerably better. Still tight and using heat and tiger balm patches to continue healing.

Tomorrow morning it's off for Day 3 bloodwork that must be frozen and shipped to Denver to their labs. I will be going back to my old RE's office for the labwork and hopefully monitoring when I start IVF. Another part of the roller coaster of becoming a mom. Next step is waiting for my "regroup" with Dr. S on May 15th.

Should be a long week waiting and 'surviving' another Mother's Day while trying to conceive (2 under my belt) More next week I am sure!

If all goes well, with blood work, my hope (and what the nurse hoped) is that I will start injections on June cycle. I have been feeling like I am not "doing" anything so once I start stims at least I will feel "productive" and I am sure hormonal....

Wish me luck on my Day 3 labs!!