Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Numb
As I am beginning to heal physically from retrieval and feel almost back to myself physically, on an emotional level I feel numb. Just going through the motions of day to day activities but continue to just feel completely numb.
I had a wonderful almost 2 hour acupuncture treatment from Cricket. She knew that I was struggling and she treated me to really try to ignite the fire within. I definitely felt the warmth come over me after my treatment. The calmness. Always feel good after leaving my session. I had crazy dreams last night and that usually happens after my session with her. I look forward to every treatment and secretly hope they are long like this one.
But tonight, I feel numb. It's pretty much how I have felt as I move into transfer. I am not excited about the possibilities. Maybe it's protective. Maybe I am protecting my heart from possible disappointment and sadness. On this journey, I have learned that I do that to lessen the blow (if that's even possible). Perhaps that emotion will change over time when I start injections and estrogen patches (slightly afraid of what emotion they will facilitate)
I can tell I am not even stressed about work. I just go in, do what's on my calendar and leave. I just don't have the umph to even worry or stress about these work issues that are out of my control. And there are A LOT of work issues.....I should be stressed by it.
So for now, it's just numb. Still as I slowly tell my family that BB was the only one that remains I revisit the sadness all over again. I need to also figure out who can travel with me for transfer (as BP can't go). Ideally, I could just go and do this on my own but I will be on 2 days bed rest. I need to do my best to adhere to that and following doctors instructions. I will be staying at my aunts but can't rely on the fact that she won't have to work. A few friends have offered so we will see who can logistically work it out...I do have amazing friends!!
Going to try to turn my brain off and get some sleep. It's even hard for me to find the words to blog. For now, that's where I am. Maybe that will change when I start injections on Friday??
Will keep you posted on that theory!!
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T, feel whatever it is you have to feel, and work through it. Sounds like you're doing that!
ReplyDeleteI hope that you find someone to go with you for transfer, but if you don't, know that it's totally do-able alone. It is not strict bedrest, so you can get up to use the bathroom, shower, and even just get some food from the fridge or heat some food up in the microwave. I've read the studies out there, and there is no evidence that bedrest improves pregnancy rates more than normal activity, so I took it as cautious advice to just slow down (which I did). I have a good feeling about BB, but totally understand the feeling going into transfer. I myself feel like I won't be able to handle it in 2 months, and am pushing my date back to probably 3 months out because of similar feelings...
I am ALWAYS here for you! I love you, and I am with you for it ALL. I will make a way to get to Denver. Working on it now!!!!
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