Still here

I haven't been posting a lot lately because I don't have much to say. Feel like I have been moving along slowly and just ticking each day off the calendar. Still in a very protective mode. Not discussing the process so much nor the what ifs. I have been following my FET calendar daily and just checking off the items as they come along.

Birth Control Pills for 13 days. Check. Lupron injections. Check. Period. Check. Start Estrogen patches and aspirin. Tomorrow.

Just reserved a hotel room for the night before transfer so I won't have to stress about driving an hour from Boulder before transfer. I won't know what time my transfer is until 2 days before. This will make my morning (especially if its early) a bit more relaxing. I do know I will have acupuncture before and after transfer. I will also need bloodwork that morning so they could have me come in anytime.

Speaking of acupuncture, I continue to go for electro stim acupuncture two times a week. I went today and for the first time, I actually fell asleep. Not my norm. Dr. Cheng said my uterus was improving as per my tongue! He is out on vacation and has found me a new acupuncturist, Elizabeth K. (peruvian apparently) and I will see her next Friday. Its a big gap in between today and next week but not much i can do about it. I will see Cricket on Monday so that makes me feel a bit better. Feeling a bit aching tonight so not sure if thats the affects of the electro stim on the uterine area. My body is not my own anymore.

Estrogen patches start tomorrow and first monitoring will start on Friday to check my estrogen level. The biggest monitoring appointment will be on the 17th which will check my uterine lining and progesterone. This is the day that I will get the green light that we are moving forward with transfer. My lining needs to be a certain thickness and show multiple layers. Out of my control so I will just continue my day by day philosophy.

I still see pregnant women whenever I go. Elevator at work. Dental Hygienist.Grocery store. Everywhere. Why does the universe feel like they need to continually show me something that I still don't have. Deeply desire and have been attempting to have for over 2 years.

I was talking to someone earlier today and they asked a question that still sticks with me (though the reference was not me) "What did I do in my life, to cause me to suffer so much right now?" I don't believe that someone is punished for their previous actions. But it does make me wonder why the hell am I still not a mom?? If you go on that theory....what did I do wrong?