They usually happen on a weekend. When my mind isn't busy with meetings, appointments or making sure a program is running smoothly and clients are getting connected to services. When my mind has time to just think.
Every morning at 7 am my injection is a daily reminder of what I am trying to do and what has been over a 2 year journey. I can't escape it right now if I wanted to. The square clear estrogen patch on my hip is also a reminder of what I am preparing to do as the next step.
The faint headache that won't go away with extra water is another reminder that is more apparent on the weekend when I have time to notice it. And the sadness that overwhelmes me is just a bit deeper on the weekend when I really have time to process things.
It's one of those days that I am tired if being reminded of what I still don't have. What I have been trying to obtain for 25 months. That's almost 3 9-month cycles of trying to have a baby. No wonder I have watched countless women start trying, get pregnant and have their babies during this time.
Dont get me wrong, I am happy for everyone who has been trying and ultimately receives that amazing gift of a child. But one can only smile for so long before the sadness takes over and even the fake smile is difficult.
Today is one of those days. I am tired of faking the smile. Tired of hearing the good news for everyone else but me. Tired of hearing about pregnancy symptoms, baby showers and unmedicated IUIs that work the first time. Tired of being asked "what's new" when you see an old high school friend because all you really want to say is "I am pregnant" but instead manage to sneak out "Busy with work" Tired of the hormones making me feel like this....Tired of people telling me they have a good feeling about THIS one.
But....
I keep going. I have to keep pushing forward on my journey to be a mom.
It's just one of those hard days that unless you have been here you will never really know how hard it is.
Just one of those days and I needed to get that out.
I'm sorry. I can so totally relate to just about everything you've written. I'm tired of watching other women get pregnant too. And especially tired of not having anything to say when people ask me what's new. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wish it weren't that way, but it is. But remember, it won't always be. You and I--we will have babies in our arms soon, and we will appreciate those precious lives much much more than the first unmedicated IUI pregnancies. Because each stinky diaper, each cry, each tantrum will remind us how long and hard we endured to get to our goals. It will all be worth it in the end. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you for this one. Remember the odds are highly highly in your favor.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed by your strength! Floored by your courage! Hang tough!
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